... on MARRIAGE ... and THE ROYAL WEDDING

Newscasters here and abroad are discussing plans for the Royal Wedding. Predictions for the success or failure of this 21st century marriage are inevitable. To a degree, however, they are also cruel in that many cannot resist comparing Kate to Prince William's mother, Diana. In so doing, many proclaim that she, too, will not be able survive the pressures she will face and therefore this marriage will fail just as did that of his parents.

One can’t help but note that while many in England are looking forward to the wedding as a time-out from the the country’s economic and political turmoil, others are only too happy to predict a complicated and unsuccessful union.

Such is human nature and such is the nature of the media which often creates stories, treating rumors as news, hinting at scandal where none exists in order to fill space on the written page or hours of endless chatter on television.

Given the number of couples I've counseled over the years, William and Kate have much in their favor. From where I sit, it appears that this will be a good marriage. I say this knowing the divorce statistics of marriages world-wide and knowing, as well, that certain factors seldom improve after a marriage if they are problematic beforehand.

With William and Kate, their lengthy courtship has given Kate time to know what William’s life is really about: his royal responsibilities and obligations, as well as his role within his family. That she seems to feel comfortable with the Royal family and has already attended many occasions with them but without William, due to his military obligations, speaks well for her ability to be independent and to “fit in” to a lifestyle most (even those from similar heritages) would find too daunting. And William – off-spring of a royal marriage and a royal scandal – has learned to be loyal to both his beloved, deceased mother and his father, as well.

He presents himself as having the capacity to be doting and mature, qualities necessary for a successful marriage and often missing in the children from dysfunctional families where parents enter into a divorce and children are caught between warring factions.

It seems not to be a coincidence either that he has taken his time before "proposing," given all that he had to have known about his parent’s brief courtship which, in retrospect, seemed doomed from the start.

He appears to have the wisdom and the insight to know that he does not want to repeat his father’s role model as husband. Clearly, he has given great thought to considering his family’s history and the price paid for mistakes made which hurt both parents and children.

Luckily for William, Kate is beautiful, stylish and seemingly well-intentioned. There’s no need for competition with William's memories of his mother in any of those areas. With grace and dignity, he has also voiced his faith in Kate’s ability to carve out her own successful destiny.

That she has an in-tact family that has – by his own admission - genuinely embraced him as their own, without the fanfare of public attention and adoration that has been his since birth, can be nothing short of refreshing. What bodes as well for them is the fact that he and Kate were schoolmates for years, that they shared similar intellectual proclivities and a coterie of like-minded friends.

Although most of us can’t truly imagine the stresses imposed upon those belonging to royal families who, in today’s world seem to live fairy tale existences when compared to anything we know as resembling reality – it’s all too easy to think that their wealth and power outweigh any problems they may have with the paparazzi, their lack of privacy and the need for safety for themselves and their loved ones. Yet, we do know in far too much detail the toll that the Palace’s power took on the naive and inexperienced Princess Di.

In counseling couples before they marry or when they are contemplating divorce, the most critical areas of discord are those which make one or both partners feel unloved or disrespected. When two people lead parallel lives and not lives in which values and areas of interest are shared, it is much more difficult to help them rekindle whatever passion may have existed in the very first months or years of their being together. The fact that Kate and William seem so well-suited – their similar interests and intellect, the time successfully spent in a variety of environments and situations – is yet another reason to feel hopeful about their future.

That Kate is neither as young as was Princess Di nor as naive or unloved by a prince who did not proclaim his adoration for her to the world as William did for Kate in a charming and endearing manner should be another hopeful sign.

Here’s to all young couples, future brides and grooms everywhere who have stars in their eyes and reason to believe that theirs will be a life worth sharing!
And here's to Prince William and his lovely Kate!

Yours,
Linda

*Visit my website http://www.applemanshapiro.com to learn more about my private psychotherapy practice, my work as an oral historian, and my book, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS, which can be purchased directly from the website.

A PSYCHOTHERAPIST'S REVIEW of TV'S "IN TREATMENT"

The first time I opened my door to greet a patient (back in the early ‘80s) I was undoubtedly as nervous, if not more so, than my patient. I was convinced that I would be seen as an impostor, someone who hadn’t studied for years, done an internship and received praise for my work. I was sure the patient would be convinced from the moment I said "Hello" that he had come to the wrong address, that I was not the therapist he assumed he was coming to meet.

Now, nearly 3 decades later, I’m able to appreciate the humor as well as the drama of that day. I often wish that someone could have filmed it all then as well as every subsequent session I’ve had since. I would no doubt learn something from each session, appreciating those that made me proud of my work and regretting others that might leave me wishing I had responded differently to a patient, perhaps with deeper insight.

But I have no such footage, only the memories of significant sessions throughout the years.

What I also have now is what some brilliant screen writers and enormously talented actors have made available through HBO – not a documentary, but psychotherapy sessions following the same patients week after week being treated by the same therapist– in ways far more authentic and intelligently scripted than any of the sensation-seeking realty TV shows.

Adapted from a popular Israeli series which won several awards, the first 2 seasons (2008-2009) were translated from the original scripts and changed only to fit American demographics and nuances in language. This year – its third year on HBO – the scripts have been conceived by American writers, but the style is as dazzling and engaging as the ones that preceded it.

I can honestly say that as I sit at home watching the therapy sessions, I feel glued to my TV set, enthralled by the characters, and proud to be in a profession that is so well represented ... that is, perhaps, with the exception of the lead therapist, Dr. Paul Weston, played by the Irish actor, Gabriel Byrne. I may be in a minority of one where Byrne is concerned, since he has received a Golden Globe Award for his performance and everyone with whom I’ve spoken seems to adore him. But the character and the actor cause me a fair amount of grief. I see no reason to have cast an Irish actor in the role. I find that his brogue calls attention to how he speaks rather than to what he's saying and how he's relating to his patients. His overall manner, in fact, is one that is distracting, nervous, and disengaged.

By comparison, Amy Ryan, the actress who portrays his therapist. plays her role with a great deal of authenticity and authority. Always presently engaged, her eye contact alone is piercing and telling. Her insight is razor sharp and her boundaries are clear and respectful.

What is most admirable about her is what disturbs me the most about Byrne. The man’s boundaries are questionable with nearly every one of his patients; he is as neurotic , if not more so than some of them; and his nervous stuttering and general insecurity leave me wondering why his patients return to him for treatment. But then, patients are people in need of being heard, in need of being able to process their problems, and I suppose unless he is outrageously inappropriate – which this script seems to prevent – most patients don’t have the courage to question their own judgment and they, therefore, remain in treatment.

The actors playing the patients are, on the other hand, totally believable. One feels their pain, their struggle for a better life, and their hope that the therapist will provide the tools to get them to that better life.

As patients everywhere fantasize about the private lives of their therapists, "IN TREATMENT" offers a vicariously rewarding experience, exposing therapists to be exactly who they are – people who have similar struggles, anxiety and pain as do their patients - but people who, in the arena of the therapist's office, have developed skills that, with luck, help their patients move on and live more successful, less dysfunctional lives.

For those who have never been in therapy, I can only imagine that this program is a fascinating glimpse into the private moments between therapist and patient – moments that will, at best, lead those in need of treatment to seek it after watching this program. For professionals, such as myself, it’s time out for a good laugh, a good glimpse into one’s private mirror of evaluation and an opportunity to see where and how one has succeeded in being an instrument for positive growth in another person’s life and, in some instances, how one can learn to be a better conduit for change.

In any event, I highly recommend this program as a way to enrich one’s understanding of the complex nature of the human spirit and the dysfunction that too often exists within all relationships.

More than most programs, it shows us that when people seek to be healthier and more productive, trained professionals can help them to improve the quality of their lives.

For those of you who watch "IN TREATMENT," please do share your thoughts and opinions here.

I wish you all a healthy, happy THANKSGIVING.

Yours,
Linda

*Please visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com/ to learn more about my psychotherapy practice, my work as an oral historian and my book, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS

which can be purchased directly from my website with no fee for mailing.

DO MEN EXPERIENCE ANYTHING RESEMBLING THE INTIMACY ENJOYED BY WOMEN DURING VISITS TO A BEAUTY SALON?

There are always exceptions to any generalization, but it has been my experience that men generally do not confide in one another or share intimate details of their lives with their “buddies” in any setting similar to a woman’s beauty salon.

Despite one’s socio-economic background or one’s intellectual proclivities, boys - while generally encouraged to be team players - generally remain quiet about their private lives. Girls, by nature, tend to share feelings and foster loyal, intimate friendships more easily, even when they are team players.

As girls get older and join in that special society found in beauty salons, they think nothing about talking about their lives while having their hair cut, styled or colored. They speak with those who work on them as well as with clients who are seated next to them. It’s both amusing and telling about one of the major differences between men and women : how we’re wired genetically and how we’re trained and encouraged to be in the world.

More often than not men talk about sports or Wall Street, business-related issues or the politics of the day. Women, on the other hand, seem more comfortable sharing feelings and thoughts about nearly everything.

And what better place to do such sharing than at one’s beauty salon where one is pampered, dressed in a silky robe, and served a delectable cup of cappuccino before a scissor has even touched the scalp?

The time I spend at the VASKEN DEMIRJIAN SALON – a place I have frequented for years – offers me not merely time to relax but a time to continue conversations about our professional and family lives, books we’ve read, and places to which we’ve travelled – all in an environment that’s an architectural delight for the eyes and comfort for the soul.

There’s something sacred about a salon. One finds oneself talking as easily with the
hair stylist as one does with customers who are seated nearby – and whether or not it’s true, one has the feeling that what is said in the salon stays there. What is talked about doesn’t seem to be gossip but rather the sharing of experiences in a safe environment, a place to re-energize and re-access, if only briefly.

Perhaps that is why it’s not such a coincidence that in the last few years a variety of noble causes have found their way into salons. Check it out and you’ll find a number of them offering pamphlets on issues relating to health and diet, sexually transmitted diseases, and information regarding ways for business women to protect themselves when traveling alone. Some even offer classes during lunch breaks to help women deal with emotional and physical challenges they may be facing. Lists of Safe Houses are made available for abused women and hot-lines are listed, as well.

These are no small achievements in an age where so many women are in need of resources – and to have them offered in the neutral setting of a salon makes it that much more accessible.

Though men go to barber shops – some old-fashioned ones, others more chic and up-scale – they’re in and out within half an hour or so and seldom talk about anything beyond basic pleasantries.

So, to all the hard-working men out there, I hope the time will come when you, too, will find places where you feel comfortable sharing your experiences and listening to those of other men in a safe and soothing environment that lessens the degree of your daily stress and nurtures you in ways that are essential for one’s overall health.

Please share your experiences here, since we can all benefit from knowing how others find ways to make life easier and more pleasurable.

Warm regards,
Linda

*Please visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com to learn more about my private practice as a psychotherapist, my work as an oral historian and my book, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS, which you can order directly from my site.

COPING WITH THE STRESS OF CARE-GIVING

The stress of care-giving is experienced at various stages and in different relationships throughout our lives. With each one comes the need to develop coping skills in order to benefit both the care-givers and those in their charge.

Obviously, the first care-giving experience any of us knows occurs between parent and child. When parents are fortunate enough to be healthy and to have healthy children, the joys of parenting far outweigh any of its stressful challenges. Changing diapers, preparing food, crying spells, middle of the night fevers, and even sleep interrupted are all tolerated as the desire to satisfy the needs of newborns and the pleasure received in participating in their on-going developmental stages is immeasurable.

Yet, when issues of health interfere with what should be glorious times and good relationships, everything changes. Sleep-deprivation, emotional disappointments and fear change one’s entire ability to succeed in all relationships including parenting.

The truth than none of us is prepared for is that one never stops being a parent. When one’s children grow up, marry, and have children of their own, we then care not only about our children but about their children, our grandchildren. It comes with the territory of being in a family: the inevitable joys and sorrows of attending to the needs of more and more people.

Sadly, when children have the misfortune of being parentified at an early age because they have unhealthy parents, they, too, suffer from being placed in the role of care-taker. They miss out on ever experiencing the joys of being pampered with the attention that every child deserves, and as with all care-takers, coping skills are desperately needed if care-taker and those in their care are to survive.

Then when parents who are still care-taking their children begin to care-take their parents, this group is commonly referred to as the “sandwich generation.”

As a parent and grandparent I can honestly say that I don’t know many people who want to be in the position of needing the help of their children, but for some there is no choice. When that occurs, the most important aspects of living a healthy and balanced life come into play. At such times, some of the MUSTS include: ● taking care of one's own health: meditating, exercising, reading – whatever gives pleasure and allows for focusing on the mind and body - doing positive activities to vitalize the soul
●Spending social time with people who are fun
●Becoming aware of negative thinking that directly affects your health and understanding that changing how you think and feel can change how you behave in ways that will benefit you and those for whom you are caring
●If you are caring for children with special needs, spouses, or aging parents, know that you are not alone. You will, however, have to be pro-active and seek out organizations, health care facilities, nursing facilities and those who specialize in the specific needs of your loved ones. But those people and such agencies do exist. Some are privately funded. Some are federally funded. You’ll have to do your homework, but it will pay off. You will ultimately be helping those in your charge as well as yourself. You will not become someone who prematurely needs care-taking because you have become a care-taker! But you will have to work hard to preserve your energy in order to be your best person and know that you are contributing toward improving the lives of those near and dear to you without destroying your own life.

If you find yourself lost between those two slices of life – childhood and old age – then your sandwich is likely to be poorly filled or overstuffed with unhealthy calories and little if any substance. You will consequently sabotage the help you wish to offer and it will be anything but nourishing.

So, if that’s where any of you are finding yourselves these days, reach out for the help you deserve. Those for whom you are caring do not want you to do diminish your lives because of what you’re doing to help them live theirs!

Anyone disagree? Please share your stories here so that others may learn and benefit from your experiences.

With gratitude for your participation,
Linda
*Please visit my website, http://www.applemanshapiro.com/ to learn more about my psychotherapy practice, my work as an oral historian and my book FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS: A Psychotherapist's Journey Into and Beyond Her Mother's Mental
Illness (available for sale directly through the site with no fee for mailing).