A TRIBUTE TO ALICE HERZ SOMMER: NEARING HER 107th BIRTHDAY, THE OLDEST HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR EXEMPLIFIES THE MAGIC OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT

A new documentary - ALICE DANCING UNDER THE GALLOWS - the trailer for which can be seen on UTUBE at http://www.youtube.com/user/AliceTheFilm teaches us that the magic of one woman's humanity in surviving one of the worst atrocities of the 20th century was by finding God in music.

"Music is God when you are suffering," she says, as she is now approaching her 107th birthday. Despite the nightmare of the larger reality that confronted her in 1939, the Nazis could not diminish her soul. As expressed by another "survivor," the logic of their torturers' insanity permitted musicians to live and to perform as poster people for the world to see how well they were treated in their camp, Terezienstatadt. That they performed cannot be disputed. To call how they survived "living" is another matter. But, in their own words, they say that "music transported us into another world," an internal world that allowed them to suspend belief - if only while they performed - as the tragedy of the inhumanity of those who used and abused them crushed the spirits of those less able to cope than Alice.

Yet, for Alice, her world then and now IS music. "I'm not interested in anything else," she says between an incredible smile and a giggle.

Today, in her north London flat # 6, she plays the piano daily, welcomes the company of friends, and speaks openly and touchingly about her refusal to hate. "Hatred only breeds hatred," she tells us, and the narrator of the documentary adds that "she remains a beacon of hope" as her undiminished optimism is nothing short of remarkable.

I don't know what allows a human being to have such courage and to be so forgiving after all that she witnessed and survived; but, surely, she is a role model for us all. A woman of valor! A musician who still caresses the keys of a piano with gnarled arthritic hands as though she is a young girl whose hands are dancing across a keyboard with the grace and beauty of youth.

One loves this woman on the screen in an instant. Her strong voice totally betrays her age but not her spirit, as she tells us about her love for all people, and the joy she receives from speaking to people and hearing their stories.

I know that I, for one, am left wondering how anyonone survived the Holocaust, let alone a remarkably talented woman whose civilized and successful life as a concert pianist in Prague was taken from her at age 39. Yet, Alice Herz Sommer did more than just survive. She saved the life of her son, as well, and she lived to inspire us with a contagious brand of hope and humanity.

I trust that she will receive all the birthday wishes she deserves and greedy, though I may be, I hope she is around long enough for us to get to know even more about her than what we learn from the trailer of this documentary.

Here's to spreading the courage, music, and optimism she exudes!

~ Linda

*Please visit my website, http://www.applemanshapiro.com/. to learn more about my book, my private practice as a psychotherapist/addictions counselor and my work as an oral historian.

CHALLENGES OF PARENTING IN THE 21st CENTURY!

It seems to me that the challenges of parenting are more daunting these days than they were in years past.

Post WWII parents read Dr. Spock's books on child care and parenting and followed his every word. Today there is no one person offering advice but hundreds offering conflicting “words of wisdom.” You can find them on the internet, in magazine articles, in books, on television, radio and in your daily newspapers. The problem is that too many are pointing fingers in opposite directions.

Some say that if you give children everything they want, you’re not teaching them good values. Others say that deprivation never taught anything positive and that a child can’t ever be spoiled or loved too much.

If you cook healthy meals that your children refuse to eat and you send them to bed hungry, some consider you to be heartless. Others believe children should eat whatever they feel like eating and if they don’t want to eat no fuss should be made.

If parents insist on good manners and their children exemplify what they’re being taught, their children may also be singled out by others as being "goody two shoes" and still worse might fall prey to schoolyard bullies. Also, if your child happens to be one of the bullies, you will be judged for not teaching compassion and for creating the little monsters they appear to be.

Then, too, if you happen to be a single parent trying to make ends meet, always having to make sacrifices for yourself and your children, you will either be admired, judged harshly or feel too tired to care about what others think, including your children. So, what are parents to do? How are they able to create a balanced life when they feel pulled in so many directions and have so many responsibilities?

Without even addressing the demands felt by parents who may be ill or care-taking a spouse or tending to parents of their own who are ill, the challenges confronting parents today are real and often daunting. The vast majority of parents of young children are those in their 30’s and 40’s who are doing their best to keep their families in tact and offer their children a “good life.” More to the point, I believe that what defines a good life in 2010 is very different from what defined it in the past.

Of course LOVE and COMMITMENT have to be a part of the equation in any era. Without

those ingredients everyone loses. Yet, even the most well-intentioned parents these days seem to be so stressed that few take the time or have the energy to express their love beyond doing what’s necessary to feed and clothe their children. Even fewer find adult time just for themselves to appreciate the simple things in life and gain new energy to move forward as adults and as parents.

Perhaps much of the challenge as well as the problems boil down to priorities. If it's easier

to have kids sit in front of a TV or play computer games while a parent cooks or cleans house or does business at home, then all too often that becomes a way of life for their children and not just an hour to be passively involved, sitting still. Also, if parents encourage or permit competition to be the name of the game then little girls studying dance will all want to be the best ballerina and will be devastated when they’re told that they are not. Boys who are heavy into sports will then always need to be on the winning team or become the winner for their team and when they’re not, their world collapses. And while it’s natural and sometimes even healthy to be competitive, it’s the degree to which competition is the motivating factor that will affect the life of any child. Perhaps we’ll begin to find solutions when we explore what happened in the days when boys played stick ball in the streets, girls jumped rope and everyone felt delighted simply to "play" with friends.

Also, in an age when so many adult children don't leave home after completing high school or move back home after graduating from college or graduate school, what guidelines do parents of adult children follow? When the children were toddlers, it was natural for parents to pick up all the pieces of the puzzle left on the floor after play-time. Yet, with adult children, what do parents do when they see the pieces and know their boundaries should be different? Some continue to pamper without realizing that they are infantilizing their adult children, not permitting them to make their own messes, their own mistakes, and in need of picking up their own pieces if they are ever to complete the puzzle of their lives. And what about the grandparents who want so to love and cherish their grandchildren but in over-indulging them deprive them, as well, from learning from their mistakes and moving on.

When the pressures of parenting far outweigh the pleasures, then parenting becomes yet another pressure of 21st century living and we are left open to a host of stress-related illnesses.

To avoid that, we must - at the very least - attempt to appreciate the dividends earned from living a balanced life. That includes teaching our children the importance of being in competition first and foremost with themselves. We need as well to find ways to make eating pleasurable enough so that the necessity to eat well is not done because a parent says that’s what must be done but because the habit is put into place early and one simply eats what one is served and even manages to enjoy it.

When children are given respect and are openly admired, will they not be better-adjusted and happier? Is it ever in their best interest if they are idolized and taught that the world revolves around them? I don’t think so! Also, at the other extreme, I believe that parents who think only of themselves and leave children more or less to raise themselves are guilty of doing irreparable damage. Again, the answer I come back to is balance.

Acting as though everything is black or white, good or bad, and having no room for all that’s in-between does not help our children develop the attributes of becoming healthy, kind, compassionate individuals who will be productive citizens one day.

When I’m in the presence of young families or listen to stories about children and their parents, it seems abundantly clear that we must re-define the importance of family, the meaning of friendship, the desire to please without being insincere. Above all, perhaps, is the need to teach children to want to excel for the sake of wanting to be the best at whatever they are capable of doing.

Anything in the extreme is never in a child’s best interest. If the message that children get is to please only others, to conform to whatever those around them are doing, or if they are taught to please only themselves, they are unlikely to live a balanced life and we, their parents, will have failed to help them strive toward healthy decisions with values from which they and we can derive pleasure and pride.

Please respond with any family stories or theories of your own. All of us can benefit from sharing our experiences and our beliefs.

Have a great week!

Yours,
Linda

SOCIAL ISOLATION AND ITS IMPACT ON HEALTHThough technology offers a myriad of ways to keep in touch - cell phone, e-mail, Facebook and Twitter - not enough focus is being placed on the concurrent problem of isolation in today’s busy and complex world.

Studies over many years (and in several countries) have proven time and again that infants - when separated from their parents at birth - do not thrive nearly as well as those who are not separated.  Even when placed in orphanages or in the temporary care of strangers, they sense an absence of the loving arms of a parent or parents whose attention and devotion breathes life into the infant’s every waking and sleeping moment.  Left alone in a crib with a bottle propped up to give them their only nourishment, they are isolated from human touch, the very touch of mother-infant bonding necessary for wholesome development.

What has been studied less is the effect of isolation on people of all ages.  During adolescence, for instance, there are the particular consequences experienced when teens struggle as natural hormonal shifts affect their bodies, their brains, and their and sense of self.  It is especially during those years when they need the tender bolstering, reassurance, and care of family members and/or friends that they often make it difficult to give them what they most need, since their behavior often defies logic.  Yet, when adults rise to the occasion and do offer much-needed unconditional support, the rewards are worth the effort.

We witness also the social isolation of those who focus primarily on developing a career, delaying both marriage and/or having children, as well as all those in their senior years, widowed or abandoned by family members and friends.  This isolation proves fertile ground for the growing incidences of depression, anxiety disorders, and a Pandora’s box of other health problems.

Though scientific studies as to why and how social relationships protect health still remain limited, it is important to note that the lack of such relationships does have direct effects upon our health.

One hypothesis is that “social relationships beneficially affect health, not only because of their supportiveness, but also because of the social control that others exercise over a person, especially by encouraging health-promoting behaviors such as adequate sleep, diet, exercise, and compliance with medical regimes or by discouraging health damaging behaviors such as smoking, excessive eating, alcohol consumption or drug abuse.” [Wikepedia: wn.com/social_isolation - October 2010]

In 2007, reference was made to a study conducted at the University of Illinois at the Chicago College of Medicine on "THE EFFECTS OF SOCIAL ISOLATION."   It traced brain hormones in mice and concluded that “the anxiety and aggression that result from social isolation have been traced to altered levels of an enzyme that controls production of a brain hormone.”

Animal models in a variety of studies since then continue to link human stress due to isolation and its effect upon levels of anxiety, aggression, and memory impairment.

As recently as August 2010, the National Academy of Sciences reported that a study in mice showed that social supports help to minimize the worst physical damages to the brain caused by heart attacks, in particular. According to Greg Norman, the lead author of the study, “the results get at the profound influence that the social environment can have on health after cardiac arrest ...” protecting against some of the negative effects on neural regulation of the heart.

And in HEALTH NEWS, 7/27/10, researchers combined the results of 148 studies and estimated that “adults with strong personal relationships may live an average of almost four years longer than those with weaker social ties.”

These issues have been brought home to me during these past few months while recovering from surgery.  I realize more than ever now how isolated life can be, how diminished one’s options are without the ability to move about freely and be active socially.

Just as I have written about the consequences of bullying in its many forms and the need to teach empathy in our attempt to connect with family and friends within our community with the goal of creating a healthier society, I think that perhaps now – during these days of economic uncertainty and political unrest – we need, more than ever, to focus on how best to maintain our physical and mental well-being.

With the availability of online networking communities, people do have many options for reaching out and communicating with others.  Message boards, chat rooms and a variety of social networking meet the needs of those who might otherwise remain without any opportunities at all to develop friendships.

Yet, despite the fact that research needs to continue in this area, it seems clear to most in the scientific community that human interaction and social relationships come with more than just emotional benefits. They influence our longevity and our health and, as concluded in HEALTH NEWS, “It appears that strong relationships have an effect comparable to that of quitting smoking and a greater effect than known risk factors such as obesity and alcohol use ... as clearly as they reduce stress and boost the immune system.”

Perhaps that is our greatest challenge: to provide health care facilities dedicated to the prevention of disease as well as the treatment of them, while having as its major goal helping patients to develop broader networks of social support.

If you agree, disagree, or have pertinent information to add, please share your thoughts here on this site.

Best wishes for a healthy week!

Yours,
Linda

TEACHING EMPATHY

Almost as a postscript to the blog I wrote September 26 - days before all the major television networks and CNN’s Anderson Cooper began to initiate programs addressing bullying in our schools after several recent teen-age suicides - there is now a push to enact laws, create consequences for those who bully, and to educate parents, students, and teachers.

The bottom line is that teaching empathy starts at birth and learning to act with empathy defines individuals. It is one of the key attributes of a civilized life and therefore one of the key reasons to give it our attention NOW!

In interviewing those who have suffered and survived the pain of having been bullied as well as the few converts who were once bullies and somehow changed their lives around – what became painfully clear to me is what bullies and sex addicts share in common. Both objectify the person (their drug) to the point of never having a relationship with that person other than that of self-gratification. It is one which never includes the other person's essential being and soul.

In short, the bully objectifies his victim(s) by never seeing them as people with feelings, just as the sex addict objectifies his partner of the moment. The consequences of such abuse are never considered. Harm to the self or to another is never thought about, never a part of the equation ... and with the the bully, his/her focus is on the power received from humiliating the chosen victim (object).

We all have witnessed the behavior of children who at a very young age are cruel to their peers and unable to share what they have or to play fairly and respectfully. We have also seen children who have the ability to react to situations and to people with the sort of caring that is both touching and impressive.

Undoubtedly, those who are kind and able to share their toys learned such lessons in their family and were taught them not by lectures but by example.

Now in 2010 , it seems it has taken several teen suicides to convince the powers that be to develop educational curricula which will teach parents, educators and students the necessary methods with which to prevent bullying in it's many forms.

The goal is to have empathy extend to those who are like us, those who are different, and the world at large. And while such teachings ideally begin in the home, they must be echoed in our schools, in the workplace and in every area of our lives.

Children who are loved unconditionally and taught to respect their siblings, parents, grandparents and friends, learn how to put themselves in other people’s shoes and to express feelings of empathy, acting in ways that demonstrate that they are not at the center of the universe where everything and everyone revolves around them. They have not been over-indulged to the point where they feel they have the right to “call the shots,” to decide what’s right and wrong. They have a sense that there are times when sacrifices are made and deeds are done for those less fortunate than themselves, and, in so doing, they are expressing their humanity in ways that speak for how they are likely to mature as adults. Their behavior toward others is unlikely to include the need to take advantage of another person’s racial or sexual difference, intellectual talents or mental defects. What will drive them instead will be the strength gained from being kind and extending themselves to help others rather than to harm them.

Although it seems to have taken the tragic acts of suicide to awaken us, it is now our responsibility to reward those who lend helping hands and exhibit thoughtfulness and respect of others, while recognizing the first signs of cruelty toward others and then taking appropriate actions to punish such behavior.

Needless to say, this is as true for cyber-bullying, bullying in the workplace and abuse of any kind in any context.

I believe teaching EMPATHY is every bit as important as teaching any academic subject.

Do you agree?

Yours,
Linda

Please visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com/ to learn more about my work as a psychotherapist and oral historian. You can also purchase my memoir, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS, directly from this site (with no fee for mailing).

THE NEED TO IDENTIFY WHAT YOU ARE FEELING!

HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?

I read something recently written by John Townsend and promised myself that I’d quote it some day, in a context that felt appropriate.

I regret to say I can’t give credit to the person who made the quote available, as I can’t recall where I read it, only that I copied and saved it. It was Townsend’s comment on FEELINGS, where he wrote: “Feelings are not just window dressings in life. They are vital to understanding the nature of your problem so that you are more informed, and they are good for your well-being. What is more, your emotions are a tool that will help you solve your problem. So embrace your feelings; pay attention to them and learn from them. You will be the better for it!”

While what he says seems to be ordinary common sense, I think that for most of us feelings can’t be embraced or learned from unless or until they are properly identified.

Specifically, it is nearly impossible to change any part of our behavior – whether it be that of our role at work, at home, or in relationships across the board – unless we are first able to identify and define accurately what we are feeling.

For instance, if we believe that we are angry, when in fact it is sadness that is at the core, our belief will inevitably lead to actions which are more likely to sabotage whatever it is that we perceive to be our goal.

Likewise, if we feel depressed and tell ourselves that we are really hopeful, the actions that we take then, as well, will not be appropriate and will not help us to make the necessary change(s)needed to allow us to move forward, to leave our proverbial “baggage” behind.

I am devoting this week’s blog to the topic of FEELINGS because as recently as this past week I realized how unnecessarily painful it is for anyone who has suffered a significant loss, feeling of abandonment, abuse or trauma and was not offered help at the time the event occurred to process what happened and to understand the feelings that were evoked. Without identifying and understanding what happened,those who wish to survive bury whatever feelings were experienced and with such a burial or denial - call it what you will - the initial injury remains unresolved. Such feelings, in fact, which are not addressed or understood remain as shadows, dark, fearsome and ever present.

On the other hand, making peace with a devastating experience means receiving the help necessary to identify and understand the feelings associated with the experience. Unless or until that is accomplished, it is rare to find any one who is so turned off to be able to develop into a fully mature adult with the capacity to express a wide range of emotions.

More often, without an examination of such emotions, it is common to suffer from re-traumatization whenever situations resemble (consciously or unconsciously) the original emotions experienced – sometimes when the person was too young even to have words to describe what happened - despite its having caused everlasting scars.

To use an analogy of food, it’s as though the ingredients we might, as adults, toss into a salad bowl are just that – tossed. Why? Because, during our most formative years, they were never distinguished from other ingredients. A bib lettuce looked too similar to an iceberg and since no time had been taken to explore the difference between one vegetable and another, the final result is that of confusion and an inability to appreciate an extraordinary salad from an ordinary one, and sometimes even a good one from a bad.

Mary Kuros who often writes about the importance of releasing emotions in order to maintain balance and health claims that “people who ignore, dismiss, repress or just ventilate their emotions,” are setting themselves up for failure.

She concludes that there is a major difference between talking about feelings and feeling them. Those who merely talk, but don’t feel, intellectualize and analyze. Intellectualizing and analyzing are two defenses which they developed early and have remained attached to in fear of feeling deeply, feeling the pain involved in feeling their emotions whether they stem from a sense of failure, shame, betrayal, loss – whatever the emotion may be.

What many people don’t realize (and suffer from greatly because they don’t) is that much of life is about what we feel and not what we think. Being connected to our emotional life is, according to Kuros and many of us in the field of mental health, “essential to living a life with high energy and a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction."

If you have never stopped to confront your own internal world which may, indeed, be chaotic and filled with pain, then you will forever remain fooled into believing that others are either unaffected by your mask of “strength” or unaware of the fact that who you think you are is not who the world sees or experiences.

Although most of us are willing to invest money and time in everything from
real estate to sports, attending gala events or gambling at casinos, I suggest that many would be far better served by investing time in taking a course in understanding the self – a course often referred to as “psychotherapy.”

There is nothing more rewarding than knowing why you behave as you do and understanding why others experience you in ways that made you believe they were always wrong and you were right.

Sadly, ignorance about the SELF is as dangerous as is ignorance about any subject. Conversely, self-knowledge is the door to freedom of expression, opening life to actions taken that will allow you to meet someone who should be your very best friend ... and that friend is YOU!

On that note, I wish you a well-explored journey which brings you to places and feelings that can only enrich your life and offer you gifts you never imagined possible.

Yours,
Linda

*Please visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com to learn more about the work I do as an oral historian, to take advantage of a free psychotherapy consultation, to order a copy of my memoir (with no fee for shipping charges) and to find out how to book me as a speaker in various venues where I advocate for mental health.