"AS TIME GOES BY"

When I was 7, I thought that anyone who was over 21 was old. When I was 17, I upped that number to 40, and at 40 I was certain that 60 was really old.

Well, there comes a time in each of our lives - if we're lucky to live long enough - when numbers become meaningless symbols. Whatever the number, whatever the number is representing, it is something to which I - and I must say most of my peers - cannot relate.

So, Friday, when my husband and I celebrated our 43rd wedding anniversary, the actual number seemed absolutely surreal, though - of course - the years have not been.

As each of you has, I, too, have experienced the different stages in my life (single and married) - recognizing that some were wonderful, others less so, some challenging, others transitional, and the list goes on. But more than anything, if aging is affording me any wisdom, I am learning how to prioritize "as time goes by."

And as I found myself humming the song with that very title - a song written for the WWII film, "CASABLANCA" - it became clear to me why my friendly unconscious chose that particular song, just as my husband and I were preparing to be feted by a few select friends and family members.

What it brought to mind was a moment in time years ago when I read in our local newspaper that an elderly lady, aged 55, had been assaulted in a nearby shopping mall. My immediate response was one of rage as I imagined some thug targeting an "elderly" person. And though I would like to think that I would have responded similarly no matter what the victim's age, I did not at first realize that the elderly person was someone the very same age as myself. What that taught me was that I - and I dare say most of my peers - really don't identify with age in the same way that the generation of our parents or grandparents once did.

The times now are, of course, different. Our world leaders are different men and women, and what is at stake today is different and perhaps even more threatening, but still ... some few things remain constant, as stated in the refrain and in a stanza from "AS TIME GOES BY."

[This day and age we're living in
Gives cause for apprehension
With speed and new invention
And things like fourth dimension.

Yet we get a trifle weary
With Mr. Einstein's theory.
So we must get down to earth at times

Relax relieve the tension

And no matter what the progress
Or what may yet be proved
The simple facts of life are such
They cannot be removed.]

The fundamental things apply, as time goes by ...

It's still the same old story

A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by."

In that spirit, I dedicate this blog to saner times, fewer world and personal tensions, and with an appreciation - always - for the fact that the world will always welcome lovers as time goes by!

Hope you all have a peaceful, love-filled week.

Yours,
Linda

Please remember to visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com to learn more about me, my psychotherapy practice, my book FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS: A Psychotherapist's Journey Into and Beyond Her Mother's Mental Illness and the ways to book me as a speaker, advocating for mental health in a variety of venues, at no fee!

ON-LINE DATING: THE MERITS AND DE-MERITS OF SEEKING DATES OR MATES ON THE INTERNET!

At the request of some of my younger readers, I am going to go out on a limb today and address the phenomenon of on-line dating. I say “go out on a limb”, because having been married for more than 40 years and as a mother and a grandmother, I am happy to report that I have no direct experience and am, in fact, relatively ignorant about the details of on-line dating. Yet, I am able to appreciate why so often, so many, are turning to the internet to gain a social life, given the fact that most people have little or no time to organize their time let alone to find the love of their life.

The obvious pros and cons of such a decision can be guessed at by most of us, but listening to those who attempted to educate me and then reading the statistics (the billions of people world-wide, including the successes as well as the failures), I am writing here more as an investigative reporter than an expert on the subject.

I admit it may be easy to consider me to be a relic of a time gone by when people met in school, at social gatherings or houses of worship or were introduced by friends or relatives. It was a time when beyond the introductory meeting, the way we then got to know someone and further establish the relationship we wished to have was through going out on group dates (meeting one another’s friends), then graduating to individual dates, writing letters and/or speaking on the telephone. I suppose the truth is that the part of me that is still old-fashioned favors that way of engaging with anyone.

However, times HAVE changed. The demands made on people’s time are different and. if someone’s not into bar hopping, access to meeting people who share one’s interests and passions(especially in big cities) is slim at best. That being a given, it’s easy to understand the lure of on-line dating and, therefore, I feel obligated to list some of its attributes.

1- It gives anyone who participates many more options regarding the sheer number of people one is able to meet.

2- One can pursue or allow oneself to be pursued at any time of the day or night that’s convenient and it can be done from the comfort of one’s home without ever having one’s actual voice heard or actual body seen.

3- One can select from thousands upon thousands of entries, and if a person seems appealing, anonymity can be maintained until such time as one or both of the parties becomes interested enough to actually want to meet.

On the downside, however:

1- There is no way to know if whether the information the person has posted is true and/or if the photo he or she has submitted is recent or is even the person he or she claims to be.

2- Married people and ex-convicts – men in particular, I regret to say – often refer to themselves as being single and very up-scale. Those, of course, can be only the first in a string of lies uncaught unless one actually does a personal or criminal check.

3- Writing about anyone – including oneself – is far easier than having to talk face to face. If the writing is (as it was in “my day”) playful, romantic, and honest, one can learn a great deal about the writer. If, however, what is written in on-line questionnaires is in the form of the literary equivalent of what the younger generation refers to as soundbites, texting, sexting, and flirting, the reader may, indeed, be setting herself or himself up for disaster.

There are websites, however, such as SINGLESTUFF.com, whose sole purpose is to offer people Dating Safety Rules and often does not particularly endorse on-line dating. This site’s opening disclaimer states: “We cannot protect you from a broken heart, but we may be able to help you avoid a few of the other risks associated with modern dating." They then go on to list safety rules:

Rule #1: Be careful who has your phone # and don’t forget that nearly everyone has caller I.D.
Rule #2: You may want to get a personalized ring number, if you don’t want to change your actual phone number ... and do call your telephone service provider should you receive any harassing calls.
Rule #3: You may wish to open a separate e-mail account just for on-line dating.

This list and the options offered go on and you can find them easily, should you choose to visit that site.

Most importantly, however, no one can fault anyone for wishing to have a partner in life, a soul-mate, a person to love and be loved by. When searching for that special someone, however, one should choose an environment and a process which allows you to feel safe and comfortable.

If it is on one of the on-line sites, though, it’s important to know yourself and learn to trust your instincts using your head as well as your heart. Beyond how you may or may not respond to his or her photograph and how he or she may answer a set of questions in an attempt to make the getting to know segment of your journey speedier and less cumbersome, take your time in getting to know anyone.

Apparently, there are many people who do meet on line, fall in love, marry and stay together as often as those who meet elsewhere. Yet, however and whenever you meet that special someone, put one another through as many hoops as you would someone whom you were interviewing if you were the C.E.O. of a company. Because, in fact, you are the C.E.O. of your life. You should always feel as though you are in the driver’s seat calling the shots and making the decisions based on the maximum amount of information available, the knowledge about the competitors for the same position and know the reasons why the person you are choosing is best suited for the position of best date or best mate.

It’s your life and the decisions you make will reap the rewards of your wisdom or force you to suffer the consequences of an inability to know how to weed out those who are attracted to the position for the wrong reasons. If they are not ready to make the commitment you deserve or are simply manipulating the situation and seducing you into buying a false package, then that package will only fall apart as you attempt to hold it.

If you believe that there are enough wonderful people out there, then trust yourself to meet at least one of them who will lighten your load and enlighten your days!

With warm regards, I send best wishes for success to all who are seeking love on-line, off-line and all places in between.

Yours,
Linda

EXPECTATIONS AND THE ROLE THEY PLAY IN OUR LIVES

Our expectations are based on the degree of probability that we assume or hope something will happen. That being said, when we know ourselves well enough, we are able – more often than not – to assume and to predict how we will act and what we are likely to say in a given situation ... or, put another way, how we might expect ourselves to act and/or react.

Even then, that’s a tall order because we are often caught off guard and placed in situations beyond our control. How we respond may turn out to be quite different from how we would have expected ourselves to respond. Yet, the odds are still in our favor that –and I repeat – if we know ourselves well enough, we are more apt to respond in ways that we're able to predict because we have certain well-defined expectations of ourselves.

I think where many of us get into trouble is when we expect others to act as we would act or say what we would say. We feel hurt or angry when their behavior doesn't match our conscious or unconscious expectations, and our disappointment leads us to feeling uncomfortable and at odds with them. When taken to an extreme, we even feel compelled to end our relationship.

Instead, I suggest that since we can not control how others think or behave, the lesson to be learned is that – at best – we must aim to know ourselves, to know what we most value, and to set clear standards for ourselves, accepting that the basis for a healthy relationship is when each person gives as much as he or she takes; listens as much as he or she speaks; and, most importantly, that both persons agree to disagree respectfully. In fact, mutual respect, is the one expectation in any relationship that is non-negotiable.

Naturally, it makes for easier relationships and better communication when we are able to be in the company of people whose behavior doesn’t repel us or whose thinking is not totally contrary to our own. Yet, in the subtle areas of daily living – and the majority of areas are subtle and not blatantly obvious – the greatest challenge is to accept others for who they are and then work to preserve those relationships that are most important to us.

In today’s world with the many pressures we all feel, it’s all too easy to become so self-absorbed - concerned primarily with everything that affects us personally – that we lose sight of the needs of others and are insensitive to the way in which we relate to them, which includes what we expect from them.

We would all spare ourselves a great deal of grief if we would stop to take into account who the other person is – his or her strengths and weaknesses – before we allow our expectations to tarnish our responses.

Do you agree? If not, do tell me why. I’m always eager to learn.

Yours,
Linda



HOW TO RECOGNIZE SIGNS OF COMPULSIVE
(or ADDICTIVE) COMPUTER USAGE

In more than twenty-five years working as a psychotherapist and addictions counselor I have preferred not to give too much weight to labels of any kind and/or diagnoses, for that matter.

What’s most important to me is how whatever people do or feel affects their life: their relationships at home, their work, their thinking and behavior.  I feel the same way about what many are now referring to as COMPUTER ADDICTION.

In general, most clinicians agree that some people do become addicted to activities performed on a computer – activities such as playing video games, instant messaging, or watching Internet pornography. Some have labeled these activities IAD (Internet Addiction Disorder).

The problem with identifying and truly understanding this not-yet-agreed-upon addiction is that computers themselves ARE useful and there are many legitimate reasons why many of us spend hours using them.

According to Ed Grabianowski and others who have written extensively about this, “any single definition of computer addiction is necessarily broad and vague.”  However, most agree that when computer usage becomes problematic, if not addictive, it is when the user’s behaviors interfere with other life activities.  As with an alcoholic or other drug addict who is not able to stop using his or her drug or drugs of choice, when a person using a computer is unable to stop excessive use despite negative consequences, we then consider addiction to be a real possibility.

The major negative side effect in such cases is usually SOCIAL.  A “user” withdraws from social situations and obligations and spends more and more time on the computer.  In the end, it takes an emotional toll.  Grabianowski contends that constant computer gaming, for instance, “can cause someone to place more emotional value on events within the game than things happening in their real lives"... just as excessive viewing of Internet pornography can warp a person’s ideas about sexuality.”

Likewise, excessive use also affects one’s overall health – diminishing the hours of needed sleep consequently results in immune system disorders.

So, whether or not we call excessive use an addiction or not, I do think it’s important to identify one’s usage, get help and lessen the amount of time spent using the so-called object of choice, if it happens to be a computer.

Here are some tips offered by Grabianowski, all of which I think are helpful and necessary:

● Make specific time limits.  Set an alarm to go off in one hour and end computer time when it rings.
● Set aside “computer free” parts of the day.  If your computer use starts after dinner and extends into the night, get all your computer work done in the morning and don’t touch it after dinner.
● Install software to restrict your access to Web sites that you visit compulsively.  Find a friend you can trust to keep the passwords for the software so that you can’t circumvent it.
● Make a list of things you could be accomplishing instead of wasting time on the computer and post it prominently near your monitor.
● Enlist family members to help encourage you to limit your use.  It might be difficult to stop on your own.
● Put the computer in high traffic area in the house.  With others looking over your shoulder all the time, you’ll be less likely to overuse the computer.  This is especially effective for parents who fear excessive use in their children.HOW PERVASIVE IS THE PROBLEM?
Exact statistics on the rate of computer addiction are not available.  The problem is not classified as a specific disorder, so there are no diagnostic criteria for determining addiction.  Psychology professor Dr. Kimberly S.Young conducted an unscientific survey of Internet users to see how many of them self-identified as Internet addicts.

Dr. Young, who is one of the strongest supporters of the “computer addiction is a real addiction” school of thought, found thateighty percent of the people who responded to her survey considered themselves Internet addicts.  It is impossible to extrapolate that number into any meaningful statistic, though Young considers it a sign of a “potential epidemic.” [Source: YOUNG- http://www.howstuffworks.com]

If you or anyone you love has a problem limiting your time on the computer and such use is interfering with your life, do consider seeking help.  Join any one of the self-help groups formed to address this issue (though, most assuredly, not one on the Internet!) and/or consult your family physician or an addictions counselor.

I hope this is helpful to those of you who may be questioning your own use of the computer or that of a loved one ... and that reading this will clarify its problems and consequences.

Best of luck! And please do visit my new website, http://www.applemanshapiro.com.