WHAT I LEARNED FROM MY GRANDSON ERIC!

As a therapist, I know the importance of asking the right questions in order to help patients focus on how they're thinking and what they're doing to process their experiences. However, it's often true that in everyday life a seemingly innocent, simple question can lead us to places in our brains that we wouldn't necessarily have thought about.

The other day, I had one such "AHA!" moment with my grandson Eric.

It all started when he saw me using his family's computer to check the number of votes I'd received that day in WELLsphere's contest for TOP BLOGGER. I explained that I write a blog each Sunday, A PSYCHOTHERAPIST'S JOURNEY, and that so far I'm
12th in the top 20 bloggers. "That's pretty impressive," my not yet 9 year old grandson said.

I then went on to show him the title of some of the past blogs I'd written and I stopped when I saw the one I'd posted in September which talked primarily about his sister Sophie, entitled UNICORNS EAT STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM. He immediately proceeded to read it and even laughed at the appropriately funny places. But, then, he politely suggested that in all fairness I needed to consider writing a blog about him. Of course, I decided he was right. The question was what topic I would choose to write about.

Within seconds he suggested I discuss the new writing program instituted for the first time this year in his school. Designed to teach children how to improve their critical thinking skills, he explained that he's learning to distinguish between a Personal Narrative and an Essay.

He explained that "a personal narrative is written about a moment that something happened to you in your life (please underline the word you, grandma)... and an essay is a topic written on a subject with a particular theme."

When I asked him to give me a sample of how his thinking is becoming
more critical, he said: "Here's how you start. First, you draw the letter T dividing a page into 2 columns. One says,"I noticed," and the other says "I realized."

"So," he continued, "I noticed that we have 5 computers in our classroom at school. After noticing them, I realized that when my Mom and Dad were in third grade they didn't have computers in their classrooms and that must have made how they learned very different from the way I learn."

I must admit that at that point I was as impressed with the school's new curriculum as I was with Eric's ability to understand and explain it ... he, my 3rd grade football, baseball, guitar playing grandson.

This led me to think about what I said at the start of this blog, namely how often we notice things without stopping to think about them. For instance, when we're driving down a country lane in the north-east during these brisk autumn days and we notice that the once lush green-leafed trees of summer are now bursting forth with leaves of reds, oranges and golds ... do we stop to wonder about or realize how it came to be that this seemingly magical transformation isn't merely a part of the scenery that we've come to expect to see each year?

Then, too, how often do we notice things about people: the way they dress or talk, the habits they have, the passions they talk about which we may or may not share. Yet, because we want to like them or because we're at a particularly lonely time in our lives and feel in need of friendship, we don't take the time to realize that what we've noticed should tell us something, be a reminder of what's important to us, what and whom we wish to welcome into our lives and what would serve us better to avoid.

I understand now - perhaps better than ever before - that our children and grandchildren can make us realize so many things when we take the
time to talk to them and listen to what they have to say.

When asked what else he would like me to share about him, Eric said not to forget to mention that he Loves (capital "L", grandma) all sports and has been playing all of them including: hockey, soccer, tennis, swimming, ping-pong, and air hockey for as long as he can remember.

"And, oh," he added, "I think a good ending would be: 'As Eric was lying on the carpet crunching away on UTZ potato chips, with his hands all greasy, we both laughed at the bag with the name UTZ written across it, wondering how it got its name."

So, to honor Eric's curiosity, I will end as he wished me to and ask any of you if you have noticed a bag of chips with the name UTZ, what have you realized about the origin of its name?

Here's to noticing and realizing all that matters to you!

Have a great week!

~ Linda

MAMMOGRAMS, MORALITY, and MONEY in the 21st Century:

                       MAMMOGRAMS, MORALITY, and MONEY  in the 21st Century:

While I don’t like to think of myself as being jaded, the events of the past weeks are causing me to lose hope as decisions are made by those in positions of power, especially with regard to women’s health and the availability (or not) of mammograms.

Don’t misunderstand. I know as well as everyone does that we are living in difficult economic times and that corners have to be cut.  It’s the particular corners and the manner in which policy makers, talk show hosts, and journalists are choosing to express their views that I find particularly disturbing. They leave me wondering, in fact, if we are becoming a society that no longer values the life of individuals when they fail to fall into statistically “acceptable” majorities.

Moving to douse the flames of confusion caused by the Unites States Preventive Services Task Force’s recommendation two days earlier, Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said Wednesday that women should continue getting regular mammograms starting at age forty (contrary to the task force’s suggestion of age fifty).

As reported by the Associated Press: "The task force has presented some new evidence for consideration but our policies remain unchanged" she said, while adding that she encourages “women to set their own course on mammograms in consultation with their doctors.” In her final comments, she stated:  "Indeed, I would be very surprised if any private insurance company changed its mammography coverage decisions as a result of this action.”   Well, guess what? In her brief time as Human Services Secretary, Sebelius has been surprised many times, and my guess is that this is certain to be yet another one of those surprises.

When The Associated Press further reported that the panel of doctors and scientists concluded that “early and frequent screenings often lead to false alarms and unneeded biopsies, without substantially improving women's odds of survival,” their recommendation was fortunately and loudly criticized by the American Cancer Society, breast cancer survivors who were diagnosed at a young age, and the the Susan G. Komen for the Cure (the world's largest grassroots network of breast cancer research and breast cancer survivors).

So, my concern remains: who will ultimately decide which of us is “worthy” of being screened and which of us is not?  Who will decide what the “accepted” age should be for preventive action and under what circumstances?  Do I sense insurance companies preparing more “CLAIM DENIED” stamps?

If so, what will that say about us as a society?  It seems that whatever progress has been made in my lifetime (and I am sixty-nine) will count for nothing, since I know many cancer survivors (including those as young as in their thirties) whose cancer could only have been detected on a mammogram.

Once again, with the kind of double talk that Sebelius and others have been launching, we women in the twenty-first century just may become (if we are not already) casualties in a dreadful economy with leaders who have a diminished desire to treat women as anything but second class citizens or worse.

How can we then not be left wondering if anything would be different if those who sit on the committees and others who eventually pass laws had a mother, sister, wife, daughter or granddaughter?  Surely if they did – to say nothing of the fact that some of them are themselves women – perhaps they'd put on a different thinking cap and understand better what Sebelius's statement really means.

If it were not so transparently despicable, it would be laughable. But you won't hear me or most women laughing,  That's for sure!

Will it take men being told when they can be screened for prostate cancer (and other diseases) or will finding that men, too, die from undetected breast cancer cause policy makers to wake up and smell the roses? Better yet, perhaps we will only be better protected when those who sit on task forces or others who are voting on health issues stop treating health issues as some abstract phenomenon but rather as human catastrophes waiting to happen.  Will it take one of their daughters not to be deemed old enough to have a mammogram or one of their mothers to be considered too old to matter before they determine that we need not become even greater victims of breast cancer?  Perhaps then we will not be mere statistics but real women with blood running through our veins and reasons why we very much wish to remain alive.

Lest you think I am concerned about women only, be advised that in 2008 the task force said that men seventy-five and older should no longer get screened for prostate cancer and that there’s not even sufficient evidence to evaluate the costs and benefits of the screening for men under that age.  Note: The American Cancer Society agrees that there is insufficient evidence for or against screening generally, but does not have a cutoff age.

The question that then remains is: Must we wait for disasters to occur?  Do we not have the ability to be pro-active or the intelligence to make health and not money a priority, even in these economic times?  Right now money seems to be the name of the game.  And the problem is that our health is never a game!

I'd like to believe that some people will come to their senses before too many lives are lost.  Hopefully, none will be people whom you love and whose lives you do not feel are disposable.

I encourage everyone – men and women – to make their voices heard and to fight tor their right to receive proper vs. expedient health care.

With best wishes to one and all for a HEALTHY and fun-filled THANKSGIVING. Thank you, also, to the readers of this blog who have voted (or are considering to vote) for me as TOP BLOGGER.

~ Linda

ARE WE ADDICTED TO ADDICTIONS?

Not a week goes by that there isn’t a headline about someone entering rehab or being caught selling drugs or taken to the hospital suffering from anorexia or any one of the numerous addictions that are all too prevalent these days.

Naturally, those we read and hear most about are celebrities because their stories sell copy. Yet, I assure you there are far more people in the population at large whose addictions remain known only to their immediate family. Most don’t even receive the costly and not always effective treatment available to the rich and famous.

So, let’s look at addiction and understand what it is doing to our society, to too many of our young people, and the babies they seem to have with greater frequency than most.

For starters: being addicted to anything implies that the person suffering from an addiction is at the mercy of a habit (psychological or physical), the cessation of which causes severe trauma to his/her body and mind.

Examples: Gambling addicts and food addicts, “shopaholics,” “workaholics,” and sex addicts often fall prey to using alcohol or other drugs to lessen their inhibition, which, in turn, allows them to participate in their addictive behaviors; they all seem to share one common denominator: an inability to consider the probable consequences of their behavior, even when they feel remorseful afterward.

Take, for instance, the addictive behavior of the now famous “Octomom,” Nadya Suleman, who in her need to feel wanted, filled a void she’d convinced herself would be satisfied by conceiving more and more babies. Is such a need self-centered, self-motivated, and narcissistic?  Probably.  Is such a woman suffering from narcissistic personality disorder?  Perhaps.  But, then, so too are the many celebrities who can’t seem to get their faces in the media often enough to satisfy themselves, no matter what harm it is doing to them or their loved ones. “The Gosselins ” are a perfect example of spouses using spouses in order to feed not their mouths but something that’s out of balance in their souls.  At the same time, many argue, they are abusing the privacy of their children.  Whatever the psychiatric diagnosis may be, that is not what I am addressing here.

The problem – and make no mistake about it, it is a very real problem for society – is about how important it is to teach our children to understand the consequences of their behaviors.

My fear is that as long as we continue to devote so much air time and newsprint to the addicts in our midst, we are failing to place our focus on what’s positive in our society.  Consequently, a great dis-service is done to the healthy, wholesome young people who are committed to saving our planet, to those who help the poor and all who can’t help themselves, to those who are creative in the arts and sciences, and most importantly, to all who are devoted to saving lives and the spirit of life rather than destroying it.

Placing celebrities in the limelight as they are hand-cuffed or shown in various compromised states gives our young people confusing and contradictory messages.  On the one hand, the addict may have committed a crime and is not anyone to be admired.  On the other hand, appearing and re-appearing in the news keeps the negative image alive, blurring the reason for its being there.

What any child or adult who is unfamiliar with the disease of addiction needs to know is that once an addiction becomes a way of life, the addict is denied the privilege of sitting in his own control booth.  He is already a victim of his addiction, a robot in a perpetual state of being unable to make rational choices.  His drug of choice – sex, alcohol, prescription drugs, fame – whatever it may be, rules and dictates his every move, even at the risk of dying.

So, as we’re approaching the holidays, let us think very seriously about what messages we wish to convey when we feel the need to shower loved ones with gifts we can’t afford or celebrate by drinking or drugging to the degree of putting our own lives or the lives of others at risk.

Some people believe that good always wins in the end.  I must say I think it’s possible but only when good people do whatever it is that's in their power to help make it happen.

So, let us devote our time to helping heal those who need help and to stop promoting bad habits by glorifying them instead of pitying them.

We have everything to gain and too much to lose if we don’t!

Wishing you all health and healing ~ Linda

LIFE'S BALANCING ACT

On those rare days when everything goes smoothly and you wonder if it’s possible that absolutely nothing has gone wrong, isn’t it because you feel your life is in balance? And, yet, if that's true, wouldn't you like to be able to bottle that balance so that you could experience it more often?

I know that those who study Yoga or T’ai Chi, various forms of meditation and/or visualization all believe that such disciplines help them to feel more in tune with themselves, better able to cope with life’s stressors and, yes, they say that they do feel more balanced.

I don’t doubt that truth for a moment!

Yet, I do think society faces a question that’s not addressed often enough. That is: why do so many people feel so out of balance, "out of sync," so much of the time?

Of course we all know what the obvious reasons are: our failing economy, the issues regarding health care and the benefits that are available to too few and often too late, too many of our young men and women fighting abroad and losing their lives, while others of them are here in America fighting to find finances for a good education and a future to which they can look forward. Those are merely the obvious reasons causing an increase in the need for better care not only for our society as as whole but for those mentally and emotionally challenged.

It hardly matters who I speak to on any given day or to what generation they belong. I find people struggling to feel more encouraged, more internally stable and in need of communities to which they can turn for help. At least, I am much more aware of that these days than in years past.

Whether people seem to be productive and feeling relatively happy (physically and emotionally) or they’re weary, feeling overwhelmed by one ache, one problem or another, I still hear a sense of desperation that reflects feelings of being out of balance.

On the one hand, people are on "over-load," receiving too much in-put from the various technological wonders of our age - the incoming data from their computers, cell phones, and Blackberries - but, conversely, they're too disconnected, too alone, and not fully aware of how their energy is being sapped, leaving them unable to successfully fulfill their responsibilities of the day.

The challenge, therefore, seems to be how to best figure out ways to stay healthy by living life in a more balanced way. That means taking charge of your life in all the areas that you are able to do so. In many instances it simply means being better organized.

If it helps to turn off your cell phone for periods of time each day then do so. If not listening to the news or to whatever you're plugged into helps, then don't listen. Do whatever it takes for you to have the time you need to do all that you want and need to do.

Make TIME a priority!

If making lists help, then make them! Just think of walking up and down the aisles of a supermarket. If you enter the store without a list, you’re much more likely to waste time and purchase items you never would have purchased. If you limit yourself, instead, to buying only what’s on your list, you’ll spend less time, have more energy and feel less stressed when proceeding with the remainder of your day.

Also, if you know that your agenda for a particular day is going to be a busy one, it might help to structure it hour by hour in order to hold yourself accountable for the time you spend doing whatever needs to be accomplished. Why? Because it’s too easy to get lost in time, spending so much of it focusing on only one aspect of what has to get done and then not having the time to complete all that you need to do.

Why everyone seems so busy so much of the time is not a question I’m sure I'm able to answer. What I do know is that it often results in being faced with too many unnecessary problems.

For starters, perhaps it would help to have a better recipe for stability: a clearer scheduling device and a more precise shopping list.

Life could also be easier if you divided your days into time for work, time for eating, time for play and down time to do nothing but whatever allows you to feel relaxed. By managing your time more effectively the roller coaster of your days will turn into a balanced see-saw where you will then have a better sense of your body and your mind. You will be better balanced and your internal scale will not be tipped. Also, you'll be improving not only your own state of equilibrium but that of those around you. That alone might just offer you the wisdom to know what it means to feel and act as though you're life is in balance. Certainly, in these times which are challenging for the great majority of people, it's worth a try.

In fact, when you successfully balance your life, there are very real bonuses! You will gain greater self-respect and will consequently be more discerning when those who are out of balance (thinking in extremes and acting inappropriately) enter your space.

For now, I wish you all easy days and many hours during which you feel at peace and well-balanced!

Have a great week! ~ Linda

MASKS and MASQUERADING

Today, the day after Halloween, I find myself thinking about masks. I don’t mean those created as works of art for the purpose of decorating walls in people’s homes or others which are exhibited in museums. The images in my head are the masks people wear when covering their faces, especially the grotesque ones often worn on Halloween.

In fact, the more I think about them, I believe it’s understandable why someone with my personal history would find such masks to be particularly disconcerting and not objects of holiday fun.

Anyone who has grown up in a household such as mine – not knowing how a parent would behave from one day to the next, which of their identities would be seen and which would be disguised or seen and not talked about – would certainly think twice about the wearing of masks. Anything that conceals a person’s identity, whether in jest or not, is all too reminiscent of the reality that was ours as we lived with others whose identities were forever masked and our days were anything but amusing or entertaining.

We knew, all too well, what it meant to live with someone who showed us one aspect of their persona one day and another the next, leaving us uncertain about what was real and what was masked. Perhaps that’s why I always feel more comfortable with people who speak their truths than with anyone who says only what he or she thinks is “politically correct.”

In my private practice, as well, when I see couples prior to marriage, they are usually seeking counsel because one or both are beginning to have doubts. Some times that’s to be expected. It’s what we’ve come to refer to as getting “cold feet.” But in those instances, each feels reassured after we review the pattern of their relationship and the reasons that have kept them together. Others find themselves doubting whether or not they really know their partner and wonder if what they showed one another during their courtship is their true self or merely aspects of themselves that they knew would be appealing. Once wedding plans were set in motion, they found themselves “faced” with the whole of who their partner is as well as who they themselves are, as opposed to only the best parts, the ones they felt free enough to share.

Here is where there is much to be said for not having to deal with another’s masquerade, clouding the truth and shattering loyalty.

Returning to my feelings about masks, I’d ask you to think about how different masking one’s face in the name of “playing” or “loving” is from that of a criminal not wishing to reveal himself for fear of being identified? And why is there a need for any of us to masquerade as anyone other than ourselves? Are we afraid of our true selves? Is deceit part of our conscious or unconscious intention?

Or is it that too few of us really know ourselves well enough to be true to the self we think we are? Perhaps we need to think more seriously about what or whom we hide behind, what beliefs we’re willing to be held accountable for, and what masks we have worn at various times in our lives and for what reasons.

In therapy, one of the major goals is to discover our true self, to rid ourselves from the masks we’ve used (or what professionals might refer to as defenses we’ve used)which have influenced us, most often, to make poor decisions.

When poor decisions are made, it is usually because we fail to see the whole picture. We are, in effect, unable to “face” all of who we are and all that we need to make us feel content.

I suppose that’s it for me! I prefer to un-mask rather than to mask. And, in so doing, I know that I have spared myself unnecessary anguish and hope that I do the same for the patients I treat.

Anyway, I hope that those of you who did celebrate had a HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Have a great week! ~ Linda