EARLY IMPRINTING AND THE POWER OF
                                MEMORY

When I began writing a blog I promised to include chapters from my memoir, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS.

I’ll be doing so today as a result of having recently read about war atrocities suffered by innocent civilians (women and children, in particular). The images they conjured up were vivid reminders of the suffering endured by my grandmother, my mother, and her siblings as they survived the ravages of WWI in Russia.

Their stories heightened my awareness of the relationship between early imprinting and memory and how each remains with us throughout our lives. With war as a menacing backdrop, tragedies occurring in early childhood create fertile ground for the imprinting and intensification of further trauma, shaping world views and impacting negatively on personal choices.

What I find to be truly criminal is the irreparable harm done to the hearts and souls of children and families caught up in and witnessing the horrors of war. What happens to the psyches of those who hold onto the vivid memories of loss and devastation? What allows the majority of world leaders to care so little about the preservation of the lives of their citizens or the preservation of innocence that should be a natural part of childhood? What happens to the meaning of love and loyalty when hatred and greed supersede, destroying nearly everything and everyone in its path? Isn’t one life of suffering one life too many?

My mother and her family had their lives shattered by war. With her story and how it impacted on my life, I try to illustrate the power of memory, one of the most wonderful and at the same time painful parts of what makes us human. When children are caught up in the insanity of war, we must ask ourselves at what cost?

My mother’s deepest scars, her worst memories, contributed greatly to the chronic nature of her illness, crowding the days and nights of her adult life and affecting all of us in our four rooms.

The subtitle of my book implies that it’s possible to move beyond trauma. I have devoted my life’s work to helping others do just that and have found the help I needed to heal myself, as well. Yet, my trauma was a second generational one. My war was living with the emotional after-shocks of the toll that my mother’s earliest years took on her life. She did not have – as many children throughout the world still don’t have – the luxury of modern day therapy or medication.

That is the imprinting and those are the memories to which I refer in selecting the following excerpt from my memoir: FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS: A Psychotherapist’s Journey Into and Beyond Her Mother’s Mental Illness.

From chapter 2:
When we were still young, there was one story Mother told to my brother and me, never protecting us from its horrific details. She was twelve. During lunch time or after school each day she would visit her mother who was recovering from routine surgery in a hospital on the same grounds as her school.

On one particular visit, as she skipped down the corridor of her mother’s room, she was stopped abruptly and callously told that her mother had died moments earlier.
'How could I understand what was happening?' She’d say, each time she told that story.

'I was shaking. Hysterical. I had to go home to tell the family. So, I ran. My head was cracking with what I was just told, and I thought if only I got there sooner, maybe I could have seen Mama, even saved her. I was running. I was running so fast I fell into a pond, which in the morning it was frozen. It wasn’t deep but there were pebbles and pieces of ice. I hurt my knees. I was soaked. It was awful. By the time I got home, I was in tears. My dress was torn, I was all wet, my knees scraped and bloody, and my grandmother didn’t even let me open my mouth before she started scolding me, calling me a reckless tomboy. Even when I told her about Mama, she didn’t comfort me. Didn’t try to comfort me. Nothing! So, with no more mama, no tateh [father] to hold me, what did I have? Blackness! Tsuris! Troubles and more troubles! That’s what I had.'

At its core, it remained a story about a frightened twelve-year old child running through a forest, alone, in shock, in a country already torn apart by war.

Each version of that story – every time she told it – was a piece of personal history glued to a part of her brain that compelled her to share it, if only to gain witness.

The worst part of the story was its ending. After describing her mother’s death, she’d tell us that only weeks later the family received news that their father – who had left for America just before the start of the war and who had finally arranged for them all to be reunited – had died in America from pneumonia during a flu epidemic. Since they had already received the necessary papers to facilitate their immigration, they were warned not to let the government know he had died.

Months later, she was on Ellis Island, Mother and her brothers and sisters. Each one an orphan.

The turmoil of Mother’s internal world was later hidden behind what appeared to be a stubborn reluctance and lack of desire to see more, to visit new places. Early imprinting, which had adhered trauma to change, had also kept her wary of travel, even when she could do so in comfort years later. Staying with what was familiar, she remained confined, a prisoner in her four rooms, living in a tiny slit of space she assumed to be her only choice.

With a shrug of her shoulders, offering no apology, she’d say,  If you’ve seen one city, you’ve seen them all.' Venturing out was not an option. There was no going beyond where fear had paralyzed her on that pond and memory still held her in its grip.



Yes, it’s true that children’s brains understand their world differently than we do in adulthood. But, it is also true that they are deeply affected by all that they sense, all that they see and feel in ways for which we seldom give them enough credit. Only when it is too late and their wounded souls disable them from living full emotional lives – free from nightly terrors and dreams deferred – do we appreciate or give credence to the damage done, the crimes committed.

If we wish to reduce or lessen the power of early imprinting and devastating memories, then we must do so for the collective memories that affect us all.

With the devastation of land and property and the deaths of innocent civilians, whether in Afghanistan, Pakistan, or Israel, to name only a few countries plagued by conflict, the question remains as to the life-time effects that are likely to adhere trauma to the lives of today’s survivors, children and adults alike.

That’s all the more reason why, if we are going to be able to maintain hope, we must remain devoted to the principles of peace. To do anything less will leave us with imprinting and memories devoid of joy, with leaders unworthy of their position or their power.

*FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS is copy written. Therefore, no part quoted here or elsewhere may be reproduced in any form without the express permission of the author.

COURAGE and PRINCIPLE

I was recently struck by the psychological implications of an article written by the prolific political essayist David Harris.

His topic, appearing October 18th in the Huffington Post, was the most recent vote by the UN Human Rights Council. However, what intrigued me was not so much the political inferences of his reporting but the ease with which one could tease out and compare the psychology supporting the actions of world leaders with the behavior of ordinary citizens. In considering the nature of their interaction, the “herd mentality”(to quote Harris) of the vast majority of delegates and the frequent disregard of morality and justice, I learned as much about those who voted as I learned about each of us as individuals and, yes, human nature, in general.

The more I read the more apparent it became to me that the essential nature of relationships – whether between nations or individuals – echoes and reflects the same or at least similar dynamics as those between parent and child, teacher and student, doctor and patient, to name but a few. Why? Because human nature is as complex as it is simple. What is simple is the predictability of peoples’ actions given specific circumstances, and what remains complex is the wide range of emotions each of us is capable of experiencing given other circumstances. What is perhaps most fascinating is comparing the mind of any individual with that of the collective mind of any group.

Groups, as we all know, can be found in a variety of arenas, each having its own goal, serving its own purpose. There are groups which are benevolent, others which are relatively neutral and still others which are absolutely criminal, posing a danger to us all.

They are as variable as volunteer organizations committed to fund-raising for research to reduce the risk factors for life-threatening diseases; unions formed to secure the rights of workers; street gangs determined to prove their territorial privileges, even at the expense of murdering members of opposing gangs ... and, in the world at large, we have the Taliban, Al Quaeda, the various rebel groups and drug cartels throughout South America, the warring tribes in Africa and Jihadists of all stripes and colors.

While humanists would surely agree that there is more to be gained when respect and harmony prevail, those commodities seem to be all too rare these days. One has only to look at the number of wars and ongoing conflicts throughout the world to know that in most instances hatred, ignorance and an appetite for power is what frequently drives combatants. Theirs are the voices that are loudest, their actions the most atrocious, and yet the solutions we continue to seek to put an end to all such conflicts have surely failed to succeed.

That being said, the potential for explosive behavior has become the reality of our times, a reality between nations, within nations, and across all cultural and religious divides. That is precisely what struck me so profoundly: the similarity between the actions taken within families and those taken by governments that don’t have the desire or ability to negotiate or to accept the differences of others. When that happens, what options are there?

Clearly, my goal as a psychotherapist is to help people to navigate through life in ways that allow them to be more productive and feel at peace with themselves. That often means helping them count their blessings as well as recognizing that when what they are doing or what others are doing to them is harmful. When that is happening, they need to find ways to take appropriate actions, advocating for their rights, but never at their own expense or with the intention of harming anyone else.

When we fight for the principles in which we believe, maintaining our dignity with courage and conviction, then we and those whom we hold most dear benefit the most. On the other hand, when anyone loses sight of the big picture and focuses only on one particular family member instead of the entire family, it is no different than when a national leader has tunnel vision and sees only his nation, his people in relation to no one but himself, his people or one segment of his people. When that happens no one benefits, and history has proven that since the beginning of time.

Returning to Harris’s premise that COURAGE and PRINCIPLE ARE ALWAYS IN SHORT SUPPLY, few have so eloquently stated why “when injustice and expediency become norms of the day, we must speak out loud and clear!”

Although Harris admits that, for the most part, there were no surprises in how national leaders voted (or abstained from voting), where he is to be commended is in restating the questions asked of the Council, questions that were so roguishly dismissed by so many of its members and subsequently reflected in how they voted.

Is that not similar to what we see in families? So often when histories are taken from family members and questions are asked of them in the face of facts which have been documented – someone suffering from a physical or emotional illness or worse, still, from dysfunction within the family – they remain rigid with blinders preventing them from believing that their solution is not the only and the best one for their situation.

Concluding that “the worst offenders against human rights, quite naturally supported the resolution, happy to have attention once again deflected from their own shameful records,” that, too, is no different from what we see when we treat individuals who point fingers, blaming others, no matter how many people their actions may have hurt.

Whether the truly dangerous world leaders succeed in decimating the world as we know it or whether we who claim to be civilized do find the way to a peaceful, meaningful acceptance of one another, only then we will prove that COURAGE and PRINCIPLES do count for something as basic as ensuring the survival of the majority of the world’s people – Arabs, Israelis, Asians, Africans, Europeans and Americans – who want nothing more than to be able to live lives that are meaningful and not ones of quiet or not-so-quiet desperation!

Here’s to peace for one and all! ~ Linda

HONESTY, DISHONESTY, and HYPOSCRISY!

TV hosts, Realty TV show wanna-be stars, Hollywood “stars,” senators, congress people, cabinet members, and presidents – the rich and famous are continuously getting caught in their own lies and are then exposed and over-exposed in the media.

Some say that as far back as when our United States became united the public was protected from much of what went on in the private lives of our leaders. Even if that's true, it doesn’t minimize the fact that what is being exposed almost on a daily basis is a rather new brand of hypocrisy, one that is prevalent in nearly every area of our lives these days.

Recently, we've been reading about a television host who for years made audiences laugh at the expense of the private escapades of men whose sexual boundaries revealed a moral failing, only to learn that the very same host has admitted to be guilty of no less – and perhaps more – than those whom he attempted to vilify by making them the butt of his so-called jokes.

Then there are the law makers who vote against gay rights only to be exposed as being gay and thereby being disloyal to the very people who make up their private circle of friends and lovers. TRUTH, LIES, HONESTY, DISHONESTY … where does it all begin and how will it all end? Most importantly, how do we teach our children and grandchildren the value of decency when they are surrounded by celebrities of all sorts: politicians, athletes, and Hollywood stars who day after day are seen as they’re hauled off to court or worse still to jail? How are we to understand why anyone would defend a Roman Polanski, a man guilty of raping a thirteen year old? That the incident occurred 30+ years ago or that the man may be a talented director does not give him license to commit a heinous crime. Yet, some of his peers are convincing themselves that it does.

Perhaps that’s what bothers me the most. It seems that our laws protect the rich and the famous better than they protect most of us common folk.

The people who are wealthy, power-hungry, narcissistic, and ego-maniacal often get away with un-lawful behaviors because we, the people, have placed our deepest values in all the wrong places.

We see so many celebrities and people in power go through the revolving doors of one rehab after another, divorcing one spouse, re-marrying another, apologizing for beating up and disfiguring one woman and then another but then somehow returning to a life of wealth and fame? When will we stop tolerating the lies, hypocrisy and sick behavior that seems to becoming more the norm than the abnormal?

As a psychotherapist for more than a quarter of a century (and one who also treats those in recovery from a variety of addictions) I can honestly say that not one of my patients has been as devious, as dishonest, as disloyal as the majority of people who make the headlines each and every day.

To be human is to err. But to be greedy, self-indulgent liars and hypocrites is nothing to be admired or glorified. It is time to honor – as CNN does -our heroes and heroines. We must place a moratorium on spending so much air time and newspaper space spot-lighting those who are not merely dishonest but immoral and criminal.

What prevents us from focusing instead on our youth who represent the best of the best? Our honor students? Our inner city youth who don’t join gangs but who help to protect their neighborhoods? Our young children who dial 911 and in so doing help to save the life of a parent? And why do we not – after the drum rolls and hoopla at airports returning our wounded and maimed soldiers who have fought for our country and were fortunate enough to return home on stretchers and not in caskets – why do we not even afford them the health benefits they so desperately deserve?

There certainly seems to be an absence of a standard of decency, a respect for the dignity of all people, and a willingness not to accept despotism or despicable, disloyal behavior wherever it exists and whoever is responsible for perpetrating it.

Perhaps if we didn’t idealize and/or idolize anorectic models, hypocritical politicians or immoral celebrities, and set the bar high for what we will accept and low for what we won’t, perhaps then something will change.

Change does not simply occur by hoping for it!

We’re surrounded by too much rubbish! Let us commit ourselves to sanity, civility, and honesty. Let us find our voices, stand up for justice whenever and wherever possible, and learn to dis-honor those who are greedy and feel entitled. Let us honor, instead, all the hard working men and women who live lives of common decency with self-respect and respect for others and spot-light them!

Anyone out there disagree? Please cast your vote or write a comment at the end of this blog ... and do scroll down to note the TOP HEALTH BLOGGER in MENTAL HEALTH awarded to me by WELLSPHERE!

Thanks ~ Linda

PSYCHO-BABBLE

It’s a given that we’re all wired differently, that we each have different ways of thinking and perceiving our world and that our behavior is directly influenced by our strengths, weaknesses, limitations, talents and intelligence. What’s not a given is what circumstances we are born into, what our family stressors may or may not be and the degree of safety and security we feel inside our homes and concurrently inside ourselves.

I, for example, can’t possibly know what it might have been like living in a family with a mother who was not mentally ill. I can’t know how many of my personal anxieties may or may not have ever influenced my life to the degree that they have if I hadn’t been forced to be vigilant as a child, fearful of what each day would bring. I do know, though (and I hope that those of you who have read my memoir understand) what allowed me to succeed and move beyond the very real traumas I experienced during childhood. For me, it was the fact that I had a protective older brother, a father who never abandoned us, and a mother who, when she was not enveloped by one of her major depressive episodes, was compassionate and loving. Also, once I entered adolescence and adulthood, I sought the help of a variety of talk-therapists. The best of them gave me the tools I needed to move through and beyond all that I had endured. Each one helped me to lessen the degree of my anxiety.

However, after reading the cover story – ANXIETY: IS IT THE ECONOMY OR TERRORISM OR WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE? OR WHETHER YOU’VE GOT A BRAIN HARD-WIRED TO WORRY? – in today’s New York Times, I understand now why so many people have dubbed so much of what has been studied, researched, argued, supported and disputed about the brain and human behavior as mere psycho-babble.

The reason may not be dissimilar to all the research done in the area of nutrition, where one day we’re told to eat a lot of protein, another day a lot of complex carbohydrates, another no sugar supplements, another some sugar supplements, another no caffeine, another some caffeine, good chocolates, not-so-good chocolates … the list goes on.

Despite the fact that scientific studies must be allowed to change their hypotheses and previously held beliefs often need to be re-examined, there’s another truth that cannot be ignored: We have but a short time on this earth, and if we read or listen to all that’s being studied to help us better understand human behavior, how can we draw the line between what we should know and what is simply too much data feeding our already over-stuffed brains? Then, as we do learn more about the effects of genetic predispositions as well as what the environment does to help or hinder our quest to remain healthy, are we assisted in feeling healthier or does it accomplish just the opposite when we are given too much contradictory information which then overwhelms and confuses us?

In citing just this one article devoted to ANXIETY, I have to admit that it left me, given my “wiring,” feeling totally anxious.

That being said, I nevertheless agree that it’s important to address the psychological implications of a child’s behavior when it concerns us or is disruptive to his life, the lives of his family members or school mates. In such instances, awareness and understanding informs us that we, as a society, would benefit from educating ourselves better.

In short: The question, as I see it, is not whether we are wired differently. We are! Certain infants who are studied will respond in ways that lead some to believe that they carry the so-called “worry gene.” So what? What do we do next? Especially when we’re then told that those who tend to worry have both admirable characteristics as well as detrimental ones.

In the end, here’s the irony: As a psychotherapist, I devote my days to better understanding human behavior and helping myself and my patients to change destructive patterns in order to live healthier, more productive lives. Yet, articles such as these force me to question the variables which affect each of us and, in turn, help to determine why some of us act as we do. Whether we have very real genetic predispositions (or, put another way, our brains are, indeed, wired in ways that are evident almost from the moment of birth or not), there’s a very important question that must be asked. That is: if genetic wiring can be re-wired by a family’s unconditional love or a therapeutic intervention which can offer positive tools to help re-frame a worrier’s propensity to worry, then shouldn’t our focus be on educating parents, teachers and therapists how to better understand and assist those whose worrying causes them to suffer?

For if it is true that environmental and societal effects on the brain may be as potent as one’s genetic loading, then isn’t what matters most not why but how anyone studied from birth through adulthood grows and changes and ultimately becomes or doesn’t become a contributing member of society?

Bottom line: If we agree from the outset that being a worrier has both benefits and risks, what difference does it make if we note that some babies appear to be jumpier and more easily excitable than others? What that information adds to our well-being individually or collectively only matters if we can then track the development of such children and determine what would best help them navigate their lives in productive ways.

I think Robin Marantz Henig’s most valuable contribution in writing this piece is her statement: “For children who need help grappling with their fears, some psychologists try to intervene early, with programs that give worried children tools for quieting the scary thoughts in their heads. Kids are often taught the same skills that anxious adults are, a variation on cognitive behavior therapy, designed to stop the endless recursive loop of rumination, replacing it with a smart, rational interior voice. In a way, it’s teaching anxious people to do what non-anxious people do naturally.”

Forgive me if I sound skeptical. The truth is that while I do believe that studies and advances in medicine can be extraordinarily helpful, I am not in favor of receiving information which, for the most part, is inconclusive, drawing attention to the fact that our anxiety may be due to the “economy or terrorism or where our children are or whether we’ve got a brain hard wired to worry” without offering us coping skills, especially after listing all the very real reasons why any of us might worry these days.

As always, I welcome any and all comments regarding my views and opinions.

With best wishes for a peaceful, anxiety-free week.


~ Linda