UNICORNS EAT STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM!

Last night my husband and I had the joy of baby-sitting for our grandchildren. Although this is not a rare occurrence, the timing of this event made the evening especially profound.

It came on the heels of sharing the podium Thursday evening with Randy Kaye at the Ridgefield, Ct. Public Library, where we discussed “COPING WITH FAMILY TRAUMA.” Our focus was on stressing the need to break the codes of silence and shame and the need to persevere in order to move beyond whatever trauma is experienced in any family. Randye read from her soon to be released memoir, NO CASSEROLES FOR SCHIZOPHRENIA: Family Lessons on the Way Back to Hope, in which she talks about being the mother of a son who was diagnosed in his teens with paranoid schizophrenia. I read from my memoir, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS: A Psychotherapist’s Journey Into and Beyond Her Mother’s Mental Illness, where I write about growing up with a mother who suffered from Major Depressive Disorder.

As I played with my granddaughter, Sophie, I was acutely aware of her playful, spontaneous spirit. She’s at that wonderful stage (at 3½) where her imagination is as beguiling as is her delightful, inquisitive little face. “Come play with me, Grandma,” she said, after her parents left. “We can feed my doll and give Millie the Monkey a bottle.” The most memorable moment came when she picked up her soft toy unicorn and asked if we could give her unicorn some ice cream. “Unicorns really like ice cream,” she said, knowing full well that she was playing “pretend” and that Grandma would go along for the ride. Then becoming a tad more playful, she looked at her unicorn rather intensely, her eyes filled with a special twinkle, and she stated with great authority: “They really like strawberry ice cream.”

She did not need to explain why that was so or ask whether or not I agreed, because she knew that she was making up that particular rule and that no matter what she said Grandma would accept it, because after all Grandma had no reason not to do so.

It was in the moments when we took turns feeding the plastic unicorn a scoop of plastic, make-believe ice cream that her happy magical imagination filled me with total joy and, I must admit, a longing for what I never had.

It was clear to me that the awareness she had of her little world – what’s in every room in her house, what the weather is, the names of all her friends and pre-school teachers, what her parents and brother do or say, and surely how much Grandma and Grandpa love her – differs from the awareness that was mine at her age.

Her mother – our oldest daughter – has the intelligence and the skill to nurture her in ways that make her feel safe and stimulated and allow her to be (at least whenever I see her) – totally charming and beguiling. There is an ever present consistency in her little world which was absent from my childhood, but which most assuredly supports the growth of her playful imagination.

I can’t really know how I appeared to others when I was her age, but I do know that though my mother was warm and loving when she was well, when she was not suffering from the demons of depression, there were also the frightening times when she was suffering. In those times, I played alone and had no reason to trust that the moments of my days would allow me to be carefree. I was too busy being vigilant, sensing that at any time disaster might be just around the corner.

That’s what children live with in homes where a parent or a sibling suffers from a debilitating illness (whether it be physical or emotional), especially if they don’t know the name of the illness or aren’t explained anything about what they are seeing, hearing or sensing.

During my formative years in the 1940s and 50s that was certainly true. Secrets about any illness were the norm and children were left alone with their fears, assuming that what happened in their family probably happened in all families. Remember: those were the days when play dates were often outside in the street and seldom occurred inside a friend’s house where one might have glimpsed ways of life other than what were experienced inside one’s own family.

Perhaps that’s why I felt so very grateful feeding Sophie’s unicorn.

Laughing freely, feeling secure about going to sleep at night were not luxuries afforded to me, and for those of you who may have lived through family traumas, such luxuries were, no doubt, absent from your lives, as well.

Yet, while anything can happen to any of us at any time, we can’t afford to allow the news of the week – the multitude of disasters around the globe – to deny ourselves the sheer pleasure of watching a child’s deliciously trusting and magnificently magical imagination. Even though such times may be too few and too fleeting, they are always precious.

I, therefore, encourage all of you who may or may not have had traumatic childhoods, but who have the privilege of being with children who reflect the safety of the world as they know it, to revel in their playfulness. As adults it serves us well to know that it is still possible to receive inspiration from children who are able to captivate our attention, offering us the opportunity to feel hopeful, knowing that UNICORNS REALLY DO LIKE STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM!

With best wishes for a wonderful week! ~ Linda

COPING WITH FAMILY TRAUMA: TWO AUTHORS SHARE THEIR STORIES OF PERSEVERANCE AND TRUIMPH

As I wrote in a previous blog, “whether it’s a child who is suffering or a parent of a child, and some families do suffer far greater ills than others … that doesn’t mean that other families are perfect or that perfection is what one should strive to attain. Whatever the fear is today that still prevents people from educating themselves, it certainly is akin to shame, and speaks to a deep-seated need to prevent oneself or one’s family from being judged by others as being less than perfect. … Yet, receiving the help necessary to move beyond personal and profoundly damaging trauma is as necessary when treating mental illness as it is when treating diabetes or heart disease. Taking pills or injections and/or being in therapy for a broken leg, a broken heart or a broken mind only makes us stronger and healthier and helps those whom we love and who love us to lead healthier, more productive lives.”

In quoting from my memoir’s Epilogue in FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS: A Psychotherapist’s Journey Into and Beyond Her Mother’s Mental Illness, I wrote:: “I will, indeed, feel rewarded if I’m able to reach those who weren’t or aren’t afforded the necessary help needed to move beyond trauma, neglect, and deprivation – not only from families in which there is mental illness – but from any family where members are deprived the opportunity to live in an environment in which the healthy, independent development of their spirit is able to thrive.”

I have been rewarded many more times than I could have imagined since the publication of my book and since I started this blog. I receive weekly e-mails from friends, family and total strangers and have been invited to speak at various venues about my book. The Question and Answer periods following each of my talks reveal so much to me about the secrets people live with, unprocessed, unexamined, and causing irreparable pain. Still others speak of the difficulties in receiving proper care and not knowing where and to whom to turn.

This Thursday, September 24th, I will be sharing the podium with Randye Kaye, a friend and the author of a forthcoming memoir in which she describes her journey as a parent dealing with the trauma of a child who developed paranoid schizophrenia in his mid-teens, while I will address the problems faced by a child having grown up with a mentally ill parent.

While our primary goal is to have those who attend leave with a greater understanding of mental illnesses, we also want to stress the importance of how illnesses of any kind affect not only the afflicted patient but each member of any given family. Most importantly, we want our audience to know what resources are available should anyone need them.

We will each tell our stories and read from our memoirs, and though our stories are very different, since my formative years – the years in which my mother’s Major Depressive Disorder impacted on me were in the 1940s and 50s and Randy’s family crisis began in the 1990’s - what remains a shared constant is the absolute necessity to be aware of the resources available today and the ways in which a family can persevere with dignity and survive with strength.

Also,I hope that those who join us will leave the event with a greater understanding of how urgent the need is for society not to stigmatize either the patients who suffer or the family members who suffer along with them. While it is true that today there are many more professionals who are properly trained to treat both the patient and the family than when I was growing up, it still amazes me to know that in a variety of communities (from the ultra religious to the ultra superstitious) it’s still difficult for some to admit to what may be going on behind the closed doors of their homes. Call it shame. Call it ignorance. Call if fear. It matters not what masks we hide behind, but if we do not release ourselves from the prisons of these illnesses, we will remain trapped, helping no one and harming many.

When dealing with children who begin to “act strangely” or whose inappropriate behavior is either brought to a family’s attention or the family itself notices it, the first and most important goal for parents is to get HELP. Recognition implies acknowledgment and it’s at this point that it’s most important to offer unconditional love and take a pro-active position in reaching a physician or facility that will develop a treatment plan for those who need special care. When we do not do that, we remain part of the problem and certainly do not contribute toward a solution. This is essential not only for children but for adolescents, young adults and seniors.

Even when a family member may be a physician in a specialized area of care or a psychiatrist, social worker or psychotherapist, this is not a time to go it alone. The objectivity of other trained professionals must be available.

With children and adolescents it is often particularly difficult to get a proper diagnosis because the variants are so inconsistent, given that some normal developmental changes appear to be abnormal and contrarily the opposite is as true. Whether or not one is given a diagnosis or even the proper diagnosis, disturbing symptoms are unlikely to “go away.” At the extreme, some children need to be hospitalized (sometimes only briefly) for medical treatment and others may fare best in an in-patient, emotionally based/educational setting. That there are such places and that some have a much higher success rate than others is what parents need to know. They and their children are not alone and there IS help to be found, if you do you your homework and research your options.


In talking about FAMILY TRAUMA, Randye and I hope to clarify and exemplify the need to first see and admit to the trauma and then to be pro-active, in order to move beyond it with love, so that forgiveness and healing become real possibilities.

I look forward to meeting as many of you who are able to attend! (There will also be a book signing following the presentation.)

For further information about AUTHOR TALK with Randye Kaye and Linda Appleman Shapiro (COPING WITH FAMILY TRAUMA: TWO AUTHORS SHARE THEIR STORIES OF PERSEVERANCE AND TRIUMPH), please contact Lesley Lambton at 203-438-2282 or e-mail her at lalambton@ridgefieldlibrary.org .
• The library is located at 472 Main Street, Ridgefield, Ct.
• The library’s phone # is: 203-438-2282

PROFESSIONAL VS. PRIVATE LIVES OF TODAY’S YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN:

Let’s start with women: Why is it that at a time when women are more educated and in more prominent positions of leadership in nearly every field of endeavor that their personal lives often do not reflect the same sense of privilege?

It would seem that gaining power in the professional world would carry over into personal relationships. Yet, this is not the case, and it’s a phenomenon that deserves to be examined because too many young women are dissatisfied with their social life and dating experiences, and I dare say too many young men are left in the dark as to what is expected of them when they encounter such dissatisfaction.

Whether the problem is related to a relatively new awakening in women, empowering them to give voice to their feelings, speak their truth and have their needs met without merely being “passive” or “obedient,” or because so many young women and young men are children of divorced or chronically ill parents and carry wounds and templates of behavior from childhood which never really healed, it’s difficult to say. I do know, though, that both seem to be prevalent these days and no one is winning in this race to find happiness.

Are many following the role models of their parents, feeling a sense of loyalty to one parent or another, or is theirs an unconscious attraction to unresolved family issues which get played out in their personal relationships?

Regarding men, in general, it has been my experience that it is the exceptional man who is sensitive to the needs of women and is eager and willing to learn how to please his mate. Mainly, though, both men and women seem to be in the dark as to how to communicate in ways that the other will hear and, as a result, show an unwillingness to be more accommodating.

I can’t say how often I’ve heard women state: “Can I really say that without frightening him away?” Or, “If I ask him to do that will he think I’m being too aggressive and not allowing him to be in charge?”
When I counter with: “What’s the worse thing that might happen if he does feel frightened or thinks you’re being too aggressive and threatening his manhood?” they often have no answer, but tell me that they’re not willing to take the risk of speaking up and then “being dumped.” Something, therefore, really has to shift! A new paradigm is definitely needed if this current generation of women and men in their 20's, 30's and 40's is to feel respected and loved by those who claim to respect and love them.

And while not everyone is in therapy or needs to be in therapy, it’s certainly worth noting that a good number of those who are seeking professional help are doing so because of relationships that aren’t working.

Perhaps the shift from the tradionally held beliefs about the roles of men and women in our society has changed too quickly for each to develop appropriate adjustments. Surely in the past when men were out “in the field working” and women were always at home, their roles were clearly defined. Yet, whatever the various factors are that have caused this break-down in communication, it has also resulted in damaged egos, people feeling taken for granted, misunderstood, and, in some cases, even leads to forms of abuse.

Too often women still feel they need to defer to men in financial matters at home. These otherwise accomplished women seem to need permission to purchase just about anything. Then, too, men often get to spend nights out – at card games, baseball and other sports events or just meeting guy friends for drinks -- while women are left needing more fun time with their friends whether they have returned to work or are stay-at-home Moms. Why is that?

And why do so many men still feel entitled to do what they want to do when they want to do it and women still feel they need permission?

Perhaps it all goes back to the dating phase in many relationships.
For some reason, men seem very able to woo women, to show their very best qualities while they are trying to win a woman’s affection. For some reason women seem much more impressed with a rose and a nice dinner out than they should be.

Both men and women seem to assume that should they marry or live together whatever problems they may have while dating will somehow disappear. They’re then shocked when problems do not only “go away” but worsen. My guess is that it’s because too many assumptions were made and not enough was talked about or explored between the two people.

I have found that too few couples discuss how they feel about sharing responsibilities or know about how they relate to money; how they value or do not value the need for time alone; whether or not they want to have children; and even whether or not remaining close to their family of origin is important to them.

With many the physical attraction is so strong that they believe love will conquer all. With others, the physical nature of their relationship may be problematic but they, too, assume that love will lead the way to Nirvana.

In any case, expectations about what constitutes a happy union have most assuredly changed and perhaps that is because too many people feel too lonely, too desperate to be with someone and not be alone that they also use the word LOVE itself too easily. What is forgotten is the need to understand the essential ingredient that best ensures the success of any relationship and that is the responsibility “to relate” caringly and respectfully toward the other person.

Despite the fact that women may expect more today than they did in the past, I still find too many of them remaining second class citizens at home, just as I find men unable to be less rigid than their fathers were and just as unable to adjust to
21st century living.

Perhaps, as I stated earlier, it was easier for men and women when their roles were more clearly defined and there was less room for the give and take needed in any mature relationship. In years past, people were less verbal and more accepting of what didn’t make them happy.

What we do know today, though, is that many married people are unable to communicate effectively and single people are floundering, struggling to find people to meet in appropriate social settings. (Check out Facebook and/or any one of the on-line or off-line dating services for proof of this.)

As a result, some women have become too tough, while some men have remained too controlling, and all those in-between “nice” folks are left confused and frustrated either by a date, a spouse, or by the waffling standards set by society itself.

My suggestion: If you feel that you’re finding your voice and talking but are not being heard, then insist that you get help to salvage what may still be salvageable in your relationship. If your partner refuses either to change or to seek help to better understand his behavior and yours, then leave. Get out! If you stay, you’re more likely than not to repeat everything that you saw your parents do that you swore you’d never do. Unconscious patterns remain alive and well when fed the same unconscious foods!

And for all those who are managing their lives and maneuvering the ins and outs of work life and home life with equanimity, I suggest that you write a book or go on Oprah and talk about how you’re doing it. There’s an audience of both men and women who are eager to learn your secret. Too few seem to have the key or know the entrance code.

*Please feel free to contact me and address any questions or concerns you might have. I’ll do my best to respond or point you in the right direction.

Have a great week!
~ Linda (Psychotherapist/Addictions Counselor/Author)

“LABOR”and “DEPRIVATION”

As this is Labor Day Weekend, I’m thinking of all the avenues of “labor” that are pursued: manual labor, of course, comes to mind. Certainly the work force of America has to be addressed. Women “in labor” can’t be ignored since, after all, they supply the future laborers of our country … and there are those who labor in science and the arts and others who do so in questionable professions.

Today, however, I find myself “laboring” over a particular problem. And though I know you don’t expect me to write about a private problem, I am doing so because I believe we all encounter it in so many public places.

I hope, too, that by writing a less than ultra serious blog at a time when so much around us is so terribly serious, I am offering you a moment to reflect, to smile, and perhaps even to come up with a solution.

This is what I am laboring over:

Why is it that a simple human necessity is ignored and/or not made available to us as often as it should be?

For instance: why is it that in so many offices (doctors offices, in particular) the “ladies room” and the “men’s room” is located – we are told without any apology –“outside the office, down the corridor to the left, swing right, then left again and, oh, by the way the code to enter is 243*4?” Yet, by the time we reach our much needed destination, we often can’t remember the code. We try every conceivable combination of numbers and, if we‘re extremely lucky, someone walks by who knows it and we’re then able to take care of our “need.” Otherwise, forget it, we’re in real trouble!

Then there are the times when we’re in a restaurant: We have truly enjoyed the meal, but having dallied over desert we really need a rest room. This time we're told it’s down a long flight of stairs and in the basement. Either we don’t feel very safe going down into a dimly lit basement area or, because we can’t manage that flight of stairs with our bum knee, we simply suffer because it isn’t worth the additional pain. We opt to torture ourselves and wait until we leave, then walk down the street in the hope that we will pass a store or another restaurant that clearly has an easily accessible rest room.

Another example: Have you ever thought about why movie theatres have only one ladies room with one stall (insuring the fact that several woman are apt to miss several scenes from the movie they’ve come to see) or why establishments such as local banks don’t even have one rest room? After all, some transactions take a long time and can also be very stressful. Would it not be considerate to have at least a unisex room (even if the manager is in charge of its key, should a customer be in need?

What does this tell us about our society when such a basic necessity is not considered? Do professional office staffers or business executives not respect themselves or their patrons enough to take such a need into consideration?

Let’s face it. This is a problem which many of us (as one of my daughters recently reminded me) have experienced since as early as when we were in kindergarten! Often, when we had to go to the bathroom, we were told to “wait” because a teacher was too busy to find someone to escort us or couldn’t be interrupted at the precise moment when we just had to be “excused.”

So, the problem I’m laboring over may not be one simply of space but also one of attitude. And, yet, it seems there must be a simple solution. Unless we create work environments or leisure environments that take into consideration one of the most essential human need, we’ll continue to be at the mercy of those who construct and those who purchase thoughtless structures which can't possibly be accommodating.

Surely there must be a way for us to rise up and revolt! Peacefully, of course!

Keep smiling! And do consider how we might better address society’s attitude and, in turn, attend to a very real deprivation!

Hope you’re all having a great Labor Day Weekend!

~ Linda