HONORING OUR FATHERS

On this Father’s Day, 2008, I'm choosing to honor the memory of my father, Morris Appleman, deceased now for more than 35 years. He was not a perfect man. He was not always an exemplary father. But, like most of us, he did his best. He worked hard, he provided for our family, and as an immigrant he met the many challenges life presented as best he could. I believe that is what most of us attempt to do.

None of us, in fact, ever knows what it might have been like to have lived in households other than our own. We assumed that whatever hand life dealt us was the only hand in the deck. Our defenses worked to help us survive, to keep us on track, though we may have needed to bury hurtful or traumatic events along the way. In the end, however, survive is what most of us do - at least, until we’re older. Then, when we’ve seen more of the world, had more relationships outside our family of origin everything becomes more complicated, more challenging. At least that’s true for those of us who had less than ideal parenting. Yet, as adults, we have the choice to remain victims of dysfunction and/or move through it and beyond.

In times of stress or trauma we do whatever we’re able to do to survive. I don’t think it ever serves us to expect more than that from ourselves or from others. It’s important to remember that most of us do our best with whatever resources we have, and it's equally important not to carry grudges, not to play the blame game or enter the imaginary world of “if only" or “what ifs.” That assumes we have expectations that won’t ever be met and will only leave us feeling empty and deprived.

I dedicate this, then, to all fathers who have done their best, are doing their best, and may wish to do better. I celebrate you all as I celebrate my father … and I encourage you, as well, to focus on your strengths, develop the areas where you feel you may not be doing all that you would like to be doing, and don’t expect others to do the work for you. Accept them for who they are with their limitations and imperfections. Only then will you be better able to accept yourself and enjoy the life that is yours.

In the spirit of Father’s Day, I encourage anyone reading this BLOG to remember what’s best about your father. Even for those who have good reasons not to have an on-going relationship with a father who may have been physically or verbally abusive, the day will be an easier one for you if you put aside feelings of negativity, if only starting today. Keeping your focus on the pain and all that was harmful will only diminish you and prevent you from living in the present, enjoying whatever there is for you to enjoy.

In the final analysis then, the only person you can ever change is yourself, never anyone else. And, should you opt to do so, it will becomes easier to appreciate and focus on what you have rather than on what you don’t have. Only then are any of us free to count our blessings and breathe with ease.

To all fathers who may be reading this BLOG and who may wish to become better fathers, know that too is possible. With the desire to do so and with good counsel, there is time to create a new chapter, live life in a new and perhaps better way.

I end as I began, expressing my deep gratitude to my father who forever will remain close to my heart... and I wish you all a great day!

~ Linda

GRATITUDE

May 30th 2008

I read something recently that I found to be very poignant and offer it here for your consideration: DON’T JUST COUNT YOUR YEARS! MAKE YOUR YEARS COUNT! To that, I’d add: select the day, choose the time, but do count your blessings. At least, that’s what I’m opting to do on this my 67th birthday weekend.

Why? Because it’s all too easy to get caught up in personal problems, the world’s wars, the economy, the deplorable health care system, and the corruption in the political arena. Doing so leaves us all feeling weary … and while I don’t agree with those who believe that this time is not more difficult or challenging than other times, arguing that we’ve always had war and illness, crime and adversity ... because I do feel these days are amongst the most challenging and treacherous ... I also know that negativity perpetuates negativity and only feeds upon itself.

So, while I remain skeptical about the future of the world as we know it, I am also able – and hope that you are, as well – to rejoice in being alive, in feeling that I am making my years count.

I have lived long enough to know that even in the worst of times – days when life seems forever changed due to physical illness or the death of a loved one – keeping faith both in ourselves and in our loved ones – enhances our days and allows us to move forward, be be productive and use our time wisely.

I have had the great good fortune of enjoying and being rewarded by the work I do as a psychotherapist … and more recently by the success of my published memoir, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS: A Psychotherapist’s Journey Into and Beyond Her Mother’s Mental Illness. I have been married to the same man (who also loves his work) for more than 40 years, have two wonderful adult daughters and sons in-laws, along with grandchildren who bring more joy to life than ever I thought possible.

So, what more can a lady want? For this week-end, at least, I am putting aside my aches and pains (or, at least, not focusing on them), accepting that none of us knows what tomorrow will bring, and feeling totally grateful for all that I have worked hard to achieve and all that has been given to me.

I wish you all no less!

Have a great week-end!

~ Linda